The feeling is being filled up with enthusiasm. letting myself be excied for everything that is coming my way. I am enthusiastic. and excited. I am confident and jumping in. I can acieve all of my goals. I have enough education, now fine tune all of the gifts I was born with., and keep people like joel far out of your life. let them go, see how happy you are>! Gerry is cool. other people are cool. stay hot as hell! no more frumpy. be excited to be famous for doing makeup with Destiny, and keep her as your best friend. she is the truest best friend you will ever have. don't let her get away. be kind to her, be loving towards her. she is amazing and helps you see yourself for what you really are
today I want to remember the enlightening feeling I had after the road trip to edmonotn.
I was upset that joel made me feel used after we had sex. it was just a weird feeling one I was trying to protect myself from. I gues it was good toh go through. he got weird right after we had sex. he pulled away. and all the time before that he was trying so hard to make a connection. it was having his undevided attention, to distant broken closed off goodbye. everything good just gone. I immeditaly felt insecure about myself, that I did something wrong. but hes an addict and used me like a drug. the way he knows how. wheel them in with whatever you think they want to talk about. usually themselves. share some things youre passionate about. just some fake bs. then fuck. which was amazing. even though I hate my tattoos. then say all this stuff. then you have me. and my intuition. and I said its over. then he said yes it wasn't going to start.
I knew that. im interesting.
I feel good now though, that I don't thnink about him. I cant think about him. he is like kryptonite. ughh
so I wanted to leave to BC to go see cody, then I was worried it was for sex. because its supposed to be spiritual. im scared to have sex with just anyone now. im looking for a lover. but at the same time im looking to grow. joel said something about people just being apes and they need to just have sex. and he seemed not enlightened at all. I dotn know why I was so drawn to him. I have a different personality then most people. I am unsusual. I am silly and sarcastic. and dry but crazy and funny and loving. I just come across different than most people. maybe iam selifish or ego.
I do need to be a better person and give back more to the things around me.
I really want to become me. I want to paint and make jewellery and dress like a celebrity. I wanna do my makeup good, my hair good my face perfect my clothes and heels. its time I step it up. I want to be absoloute awesome me. last night I ran for 45 minites at the track. I love the track! its magical.
ok so road trip with destiny, we stayed in wandering river on our way back. made a fire, selpt in her car, laid on the massage table and watched the stars and then the clouds rolled by. it was really cool. we listened to music and chatted. I think she missed brent a lot. we visited her friend bash, who was really cool. we chatted about kids and I said he should teach his how to ride a bike, because that's one of those things a kid remembers. but he was all like, im just gonna throw him in bike camp. it sounds like his kids are cool. he did real estate and wants to own a restaurant in vegas.
the full moon in august destiny and I will be going somewhere to the states.
we went to the Pint, and then I got my green tea match bubble tea. then we came back from the mall where we bought the coolest clothes. Im mad I didn't buy the jumber or the big flowy pants. I still need a couple pairs of black pants.
I spoiled myself, it was fun and much needed. im looking to move again, I want a nice place with big windows. a backyard, no carpet, big driveway and garage, a space to paint, a stove a dishwasher 3 bedrooms, a part time roommate.
quiet so monkey feels safe. a place where I can register my business. even thoigh oil is so low.
watching the clouds roll by and not having to pay for rent next month makes me feel high. just working and not having a place to stay, im kind of free. I wish I could just live in a camper sometimes and drift around. and not worry about life. but I love money and I want to make so much of it, ill be so rich I can buy diamond face wash.
I need lots of money for art projects, for charities, for my friends dreams. I would have a dream foundation. like a place that personal coaches peole so they can find their true purpose and life mission, then my charity would fund it. that would be amazing and close to go. some people would make such amazing changes in the world if they did what they were meant to do.
in the mean time, im going to do makeup, record and make one song, take cool videos of monkey, snap chat instagram, research fashion photographers. all of it. I cant be distracted with a relationship becus I have so much going on.
I need to make some jewellery, post all the best lash photos, do some amazing makeup, take amazing pictures, take more pictures of monkey and videos of her and edit them. dress myself up amazing and do some modeling. and get really good at being a psychic, and giving people readings. listen to that lady in my head. its exciting to be able to see the other side so clear now.
destiny really helped me unlock that power.
I can do tarot and talk to my spirit guide, and I can do healings and ask the angels for help. I can take people to god and ask to speak with their spirit guides. I can dream the most beautiful art. art and jewellery are in my heart the most. then me and my crazy life, and then writing songs and poetry, and organzing my computer. so I can write, and keep track of everything properly