Today I feel a little bit upset. Im losing control of my life.
SO far I live with these ladys who are really great. but there is just something off. I want to move into my own basement apartment.
im feeling like sometimes the best peace is when you remove yourself from your life and really take a look at it.
Ive come pretty far. I think ive managed to take control of my thoughts and my dreams, and passions. and be more decisive. I really cant date it makes me crazy. I kissed joel last night, but already I am freaking out. I just don't want to loose something I worked so hard at getting back. MYSELF. all of a sudden when I date someone I loose whats important to me. I lose control, I spen more money I don't organixe my time appropriately. I feel rushed and un organized. it makes me frantic.
I like being alone and I like feeling secure about myself without needing to please anybody else. its tough trying to impress people when I really don't give a fuck.
I cant believe im already falling into the trap of what everyone else is doing or thinking. I need to pull away again, and pick myself up before I fall.
I cant afford to keep living my life as if there are no consequences. the full moon is here today, and its my least favourite time of the month. it makes me totally nuts. its like I cant see straight through my head.
deep down inside I crave lonliness, I don't want to be high maintence. you know im getting my nails, hair, lashes, tanning, clothes, shoes, skin, makeup, healthy, fitness. its overwhelming. am I supposed to be that way? Like fully super fake? its scary.
its all of sudden getting lots. im losing
a sparkle of light opens up a book. I open the first page and magically it jumps to the middle. my name is written down. words surround my name explaining my talents, my courage my strength. it sparkles with every good decision I make that involved a sacrifice or tough decision. my heart knows no boundaries and the pages filled with love will exsist forever. make good decisions true to yourself. true togod. true to love. have courage be strong