I really hope this diary site doesnt just close down one day...
I like reading back to this day, 2 years ago.. or whatever. it is sad taht I haven't saved anything. whatver its just an internet blog thing..
so anyways, today is as boring as yesterday. my stomach is in pain.. so i am reading.. i already finished angelinas biography, i like her alot more now that i know about how crazy she is. her depression reminds me of my own. she did alot of strange things to get out of it though, like cutting herself, and wearing blood of her bpyfriend around her neck. I related to her alot in the fact that she finds guys lust over her, and doesnt wnat to be seen as just a sexy girl, but it seemed like most of her partners were just after her for those reasons. even though she had alot going on in her mind, she felt she connected with the men at first, but really it was more of a physical connection. and maybe they shared pain, similar pain.
I dont think she had a deep connection with any of the random people she dated.
Until she found love in her adopted son maddox, I thought it was neat how she learned so much in england, how it opened her mind to underprivaleged people. I had teh same experience staying in england, beucase you are around the global news all the time, in the papers, on tv, you learn alot more about the world around yu, plus the eurpean countries are so close together, and they are all under the UK. so they know alot about other countries... where growing up in north america, we are pretty sheltered.
I remeber being there and making a point of saying when i returned home i would waqtch the bbc to stay in touch with certain issues, but upon coming home, i shelter myself in my comfortable life once again.
I forget about the people i met working alongside the cruise ship. except from an underprivileged country, people working the same job as me made 3 times less then i did.
Iremeber one girl left her small daughter behind, she was heartborken every day, she was suporting her whole family with the money she made on the cruise ship. but when does she spend time with them? her sister needed very expensive dental care, which atleast half the money fe made on the ship would have all gone to her dentist bill.. and it wasnt that much, then she has to feed her husband and child.
and deal with the emotions of being away.
Alot of people working were there becuase of the money, i felt like it was depressing for me, beucase i went there for fun. Looking back, I feel it was a good experience to have, it was enjoyable but most of all I realized how lucky I am to have a home like canada. we have the freedom to do anytrhing we want here. we are so lucky.
if you have adream, you can follow it all the way to its end. most countries dont even have the oppourtunity for you to goto school, or apply for a job you want becaue there are hundreds of other people applying for the same job. I saw myself as a lazy person working on the ship. On land I had never applied myself taht much to one thing. working 70hrs a week, beucase i had to, made me feel like i could work 70hrs a week back home and be a millionare! not just make 3$/hr
or whatever it was.
Anyways, I like that angelina saw the less fortuante children in poverty stricken countries, they dont even have a chance to help themselves at all... its so sad. most dont even really have parents and have to look after themselves at a young age. I know it must be different when you goto a place like Cambodia, and see you culd make a difference in someone elses life,. I can see how that lifted angelina out of a cycle of depression. for her whole life she was self hating, slef invloved, unloving. she found many things about herself to worry about, but when she started worring about another her life changed. she became selfless.
I learned this lesson when I was fighting with luke. one strong word that kept repeating was self Love, i feel that neither of us really had done that before. accepted ourselves, I think we realized how to do that together, and in the end, left with ourselves to love.
I feel alone sometimes, like i dont have many friends, and i feel like i am a bad person becuase of this. but i have friends. its just how you choose to befreind them. angelina seems to destroy lots of the relationships she has, then looks for new ones. they end just as bad, but seh sometimes recindles old friendships. not many with women though. I am lucky, I am usually good at making new friends in a right situation,. I have learned alot I guess. its hard when you are somehwer far away, and you really dont know anyone. like when i lived in victoria, I realized how tehre are certain people in my life back home, i wish to keep clsoe to me, because i will never find people like that anywhere else.
Anyways. my next mission today is read a shopohlic book and take rocky for a big walk. except everytime i stand up i get dizzy and have to sit back down.. i think its the antibiotics mixing with the antidepressents.. hopefully i will be ok for work on thursday. having an Iud is painful.. oh god. at least i know i wont get preg, for a while!! its scary to have an iud if i have unprotected sex, with someone and they have an std i can never have kids again. So i pretty much have crossed permiscus sex off my list. I feel like i have been good lately. mike was a stupid fling, but hes the only guy ive seen since luke, and we split up in August...
so yeah ive had sex like 2 times this year... hahah. i think living at home is good for me right now. becuase no matter how much i say i will stay single i meet this guy. and oh god... i just want that to end. i think i will be ready to meet mr. right in a couple years... although im not really sure why we will meet,,, hopefully when i pay off my debt i will goto australia, and meet a sexy surfer.. mmmm or just get a job there and stay for a while. i cant decide. but i know im never moving away with a debt every agin. i think its min 300$/mnt how can anyone afford a credit card debt that high, with rent, food, phone, car, clothes, entertainment, not to mention other visas... god. I never want to feel that stressed out again in my life. it was a really crappy time.
pay check to pay check.. you just get stuck in the same place, i have no idea how people can do that. I thought I didnt care, but FUCK! having a debt is no way to live. I want to be happy, no cell phone, no cable, no visas! they are such a waste.. mayve if i made more money, but i dont really think im even above the poverty line! 1500/mnt apprx... that could be just rent for some people... I really cant wait to build a clientell and make real money. I calculated by this Novermber, i will be debt free if I keep on the excact same way I am now. that means, if I contiue to save 900/mnt by feb-march 09 I can save enough money to goto austrailia for fun for 2 months, or apply to stay there and work for 6. I just cant decide, if i Want to go back to lattitudes, I really like it there. and i can stay at home for as long as i want. beucase if I left for 2 months, and just travelled, i know my job would still be waiting for me when I came back, then I could continue to save for a hosue. It wuldnt take long, an dthen I would have at least finally got the china austrailia out of my system. hmm yeah