well diary we meet again..

ha ha

im feeling very weird lately, not empty but not full like always, i have a feeling there is something i am supose to be doing but im not. lately im having lots of neet ideas about what i want to do when i finish school::

live out west with justin for a few months

live at home for a bit get a full time job and look towards getting a pst # and find out prices on studios and loans and what not.(open business)

go on one of those teacher things to costa rica

go on a cruse ship or something

find a graduate jewellry job anywhere.

make lots of art and live in a house somewhere in the woods in saskatchewan

illigally work in the states, like hawaii or find some hot american and get eloped

orr the plan of going to Europe, hopefully find a very skilled jeweller who is willing to entrepenure me. and live somewhere neet like spain, and learn spanish. anywhere in the UK would be neet and different, like the hippy comune near my aunts house in findhorn, they have art schools there.

yes but for now im stuck in good old barrie, i dont understand how people can stay here when they have the oppurtunity to travel, the second i am done school i think thats all i will be able to think about. i mean even if you dont have that much money you can travel and work, except you dont want to goto Indonisia like brittany.. long story.

anyhoo i really am glad i have been working hard on all the stuff at school, today i left the studio at 11, i am almost done everything except for all the rubber molding, im planning that will take me a whole dedicated day for it.. if it takes longer im screwed. i booked this whole week off work tho so i shuld be spending every second at the studio.

i kinda feel bad tho i havent returened any phone calls from gord or cat. or pat i think he called. but they are probably really stressed and busy to. somehow i always call curtis back, and he seems to take up alot of my time even tho we are not together, what a strange world. we must play with lite brite soon! maybe i will see him tomorrow. yes

i would really like to trade my van in for a little car, one that is good on gas so i can drive it to newyork on the weekends for fun! my van is eating my money, i usually only drive from school to home and occasiosnally cats house or downtown to see curt. i use about 10-30$ a week. it is very un consistent but still its quite a bit of money when i only get paid 35$ a week. if only i could find a better job.

today at school we played secret santa it was fun, me and shannon got eachother, which i was hoping becase there were a couple things i really wanted her to make me, and she did! i hope she liked my painting i think it was her "style" with the celtic knots and what not haha. but she made me a ring with a star, that i wanted months ago and she never got around to making it! and a rainbow silk bad, i was with her when she bought the silk and i told her if she ever had the chance make me something rainbow out of it! and she DID!!! haha im happy its christmas. it should be renamed to give people presents holiday.

I have figured out what i am going to give most of the people i know for christmas already. except its secret so the information must be disclosed, but i already have something cool for my mom, and im making something at school for mi mi and dusko! cool. last year i remember they gave me this weird perfume set and a card, and it was nice of them so i though next year i will get them something cool..

it is my brass tapered thing i am going to fill it with dirt and plant some pretty flowers in it! i think it will work nicely.

what else....

wow i saw harry potter yesterday! did i tell you that yet?? i might of, i went with Curtis Jacquie Ian and Maija

maija fell asleep and i thought we lost her! but we saved them from school,. i think they are getting caught up... i dont know about that jacquie tho! actually she did is working alot more now then i have seen her work all year. good good good.

tomorrow is the toronto trip, im not very excited about going becasue i dont want to spend any money...

since i got my bursary i have been a bit leanient on spending, but then the bank increased my limit on my overdraft so in total i can take something crazy like 6000$ out under my name... but its about 21% interest.. at first i thought she only set me up for about 200$ but i got the receipt thing in the mail... now im scared! oh well i dont even need that money for anything at all. i just need enough to get by at school.. and the video store covers that and my gas...

im almost out of debt on my visa, i owe about 200$ now and i have that in my bank i just dont want to give them the rest in case i want to spend it.

but yes a new job as soon as i am done school... i want to waitress i got my smart serve and im done bartending school woo hoo. i want to apply at the gay bar downtown because that would be fun! they dont seem as mean and scary there as other bars and they celebrate the rainbow! how cool.

yawnn... so i dont want to get up tommorrw im so tierd, i went to the gym today and had a really good workout 20min on the tred mill 30min on the weights and 10min on the full body thing.. i wanted to gotto the hot tub but i chickend out, i need someone to go with to the hot tub i would feel creepy if i was sitting in there all by myself. i want to take pictures of the ice and snow sometimes it looks really neet. i aslo want a parrot, like in the movie paulie or a monkey. i had a dream i bought the sea monkeys and we ate them..

me and curt are going to buy sea monkeys soon.

lately i have been a bitch, i mean just cold hearted to my entire family.. its all evil routed around my van and why i wont drive anyone around. about a month ago my brother freaked out about me not driving him places. and im pretty sure i drove that kid everywhere. he paid me a total of 30$ since the middle of the summer and he thinks that is enough money to cover gas forever, i tried explaing the my car gets about 60km/10$ and thats all i like to drive in a week but he thought i was lieing or something.. anywats hes spoiled and my parents are getting him a car for christmas. my mom one day was being evil and metioned how im lucky i have the van and they should trade it in for dans car so it will be cheaper for them.. i was being an evil person that day but still they have been annoying ever since

well what else is on my mind.. i have been quite anti social lately, i guess no one is really that social, and times i have gone out have been fun! i just dont know what im going to fill my time with when im not at school! it will be weird. i havent gone to the bar really at all. its pretty much the only social place i go, and it just makes me mad now becuase i realize there are alot of stupid alcoholics out there. and they think its some kind of disease, there all crazy.

hmm i wish i could do something good for this planet, i want to find some way to reduce polution of corse and toxic chememicals used in making disposable items. but i have to buy cofeee and get that stupid cup that i will throw away 5 min later. when i used to work at second cup people brought resuable thermusues to fill up. it is very envirnomentaly safe.

la ti da

i also want a pet very badly. when i was growing up i always had pets. i saw some animal show on tv yesterday when i was at the gym and they had hampsters and stuff, they are so cute!

oh boy rats and hampsters and birds oh my.

well i was thinking today of how much i respected a girl i used to work with at galaxy diner, her name was tiffany, she was really pretty and she stole money from me!it was kind of funnt beucase i knew and i think she knew i knew... but after i got to know her she stopped, anyways she had the best perspective on life anyone could ever have, live everyday like its you last.(to its fullest) and she really did! she was always on the hight of her enrgy and she talked to everyone. she was really open and crazy, i remmeber when we went to briannes cottage and we played in the beach all day and she stayed in water playing with the waves, it felt like we were kids. she just kept playing and didnt get tierd of it.. yeah i wish i had that much energy sometimes.

i need to burn some cds tomorrow. actualy maybe friday. wow i cant belive the weekend is sosn.

i feel like i need to be in love with someone. and i hate that. but i realized today i dont miss that feeling or feel sad i dont have it, i just like the challenge of meeting someone who i can think is almost perfect, then pick them apart until they are nothing close. i dont feel anyone i have met is perfect for me, and i belive that the perfect person is out there. like the whole trapping yourself off from the world and you create your own. that is fun,. oh so fun. but yes, people seem so jaded now adays, even i feel jaded, i dont think i could really love someone as much as i could, becuse i got really tierd of myself! im kind of skitsophrenic i think and thats a hard thing to deal with(split persoanlitys) or just the whole shell and non shell personality. but im starting to see myself to be a bit more like my dad, everyday and hes skitsophrenic, such a funny word. anyways, i just want to have someone to grow a whole world with together.

something new. yep. but i will probably always want that always need something more and never be satisfied with what i have, even when something i have could be fine! but back to the part where i feel im not fine. yes i think you have to completly love yourself before you love anyone else, and right now im going through some changes kind of just on the way i think of myself, im kind of confused., i think i have alot figured out, but i also know i still have a long way to go.

plus i get annoyed easily of people i think, or maybe they get annoyed of me? im not sure. this is good tho writing out my thoughts like this.. it kinda helps me see how i feel.

oh man i have been writing for an hour! i hate this entry

evil internet

good nite