when you move you got me hypnotyzed, especially when I look into his eyes. AH I love that stupd song!!!

Last night was kinda depressing, My mom and i got in a fight and I dont think Ive said meaner things to someone in my life. It was really weird. anyways i gave her a hug after and said i was sorry. but she was making me feel really bad for backing into that girls car, but the weird thing is, later that night I got my mom to back my brothers car into the drive way, and she scracthed it up on the fence.. isnt that weird? instant karma or what. now she knows what it feels like! bizaar.

Well in my hour of emo last night I looked through my old diarys, I have about 13 and have written so much interesting stuff in them, very emo stuff! it was weird reading it because i actally havent read some of that stuff for a long time, some of it I dont even think i looked over after I wrote it. Alot of it was really deep and spiritual, or even just poetry, I dont write like the way I did at all anymore, and it makes me sad. I kinda think its partly because I use diaryland all the time now, butu I tend to screen it a bit. I mean Im not going to tell the stupid pathetic details of the way my soul feels.

I tried jabbing a knife in my arm, but only could break the skin in a little dot, and then I contemplated drinking this botlle of sore throat number taht is defenatly poisoness, becuase your not supose to swallow it just rince, then I looked up on the internt the best ways to kill yourself, it was a weird hour, I just got so depressed, then came floating right back. I really feel like buying a gian bottle of hard licquer and drinking it all then having the best death ever! I also told my mom I was going to kill myslef, and I believe I will do it by this time next week. Its strange because I really want to. I read a tone of stuff on the internet, how some people just need to do it, its the only way to have complete peace. but if your not meant to, "god" will make sure you dont.. anyways I feel really strongly about doing it. But I doubt I will, but I really have 2 good methods if Im crazy enough I might just.

Lake louise chatua called and my inerview went well, now i have one more on friday! isnt that annoying. its for a full time hostess job, I thought it was waitress, but they siad I will probably move up they just want to see how I do. But i want to be waitress!

Me and Brock and a fun date yesterday, We went to Value village and I bought the most awsome rainbow sweater i have ever seen, and then we went to second cup and hung out with Wayne and Kat, they are really cool. then we went to Brocks house and we listened to really good music, like the constanines, and the darkness, and some other stuff, and watched the family guy. Then I went home becuase he was going to play keyboards for this new band hes thinking of joinging, and I went home for my hour of emo.

then he called and we went to Fitzys, i didnt drink at all, we just watched some bands play, and I saw Dave mickey and shawn. Brock doesnt like mickey i dont think, I never talk to mickey anymore its probably good, hes to manipulative. Then we left and went to goto the queens, which was strange, but then we couldnt get in anyways, becuase brock didnt have id. so we got Pizza and went back to his house and wtached Nurse Betty, It was the weirdest movie ever!

Awe, brock is cool, but I dont want to like him.. they all start like this, I think theyre cool, we like the same stuff, making out is fun, but then everything turns evil, all of a sudden they stop listening to me, and we have nothing in common, and making out feels like a chore. whats with that?

Brock said he wanted to be my boyfriend.. first he said all night, we should go on a real date! and i was like, isnt that what weve been doing all week? and he said, no like a date, so we can maybe start to date, like boyfriend and girlfriend. He says all this stuff like he cant stop thinking about me, and Im really cool and the bomb, and so pretty. And he will do any of my "rules"? so he will be my boyfriend. but he said Im not aloud to make out with any other guys, and then tonight he invited me to goto his band thing, and then everyone is going out to get drunk becaue its st. patts day.

I dont know what to do, brock is really nice, but im not ready for a boyfriend, i was all excited about meating different guys, like today I have a date with jared to go snowboarding, but I dont want to go, becuase i think me and brock are serious? sometimes i really wish someone else made all my decisions for me.. i really do!

Im starting to like brock alot though, hes like my dream boyfriend... he wears black shirts he has shaggy hair, an eyebrow ring, hes an artist and he plays in a band?! like thats my mold for the perfect guy. Like Like y'know whatever! hahahah Like.. oh my.

but im sure next week this time things are going to turn to crap. they always do. but why did he have to say he likes me alot. oh...

hot brock.

ok i have to go, syanara