man this site is getting busy it takes me forever to be able to add an entry.

I really dont know what i want to write about,but i felt lost like i needed to be doing something so what better to do then write in my online journal. Im scared i start a new job tomorrow... I hope people dont hate me and i dont do something really dumb. Im scared. becuase i kinda need this job. anyways i get to wear all black, i tried on my outfit and i look very profesional its really scary, my dreads kinda look funny with me. hehe i cant wait to move out west and surf skate and snowboard all year. I cant wait, this is my first step. i just need to save then im going there.. forever, then to europe. then to start my carreer as a jeweler. I went to the skate park a little while ago with my brother and im progressing slightly its so much fun. i pretend im surfing. and the wind flows all around and there are dolphins under the pavement water. then i surround the other surfers and steal there skate boards. then i eat cake. and pretend im a chef off sesame street. who knows where he is right now.

I cant belive my life right now, i have a good peace of mind. i am kinda lonly but i am always around people but everyday when i wake up i dont know who im going to be around, i miss waking up and knowing that im going to see someone specific. Im scared about new job, i dont like failure. it sucks, being the new person is scary, i just hope there are nice people there and i actually do get fultime hours that would be awsome. my room is geting messy already. I really want to take pictures, I love the sun and the flowers and the earth. thats all i like taking pictures of! i want to take really really interesting pictures of people doing crazy things. but im never in the right frame of mind. i also need to paint. i want to do animals, just the outlines of them with weird colours inside and outside and some kind of poem or something. I havent downloaded any good music today, i wrote down a list of new music to find off of some weird page i added myself to which i just remeberd at this moment, it was a make out club kinda thing and people wrote names of bands ive heard of but never looked up, and for some stupid reason im to lazy to download them, so im missing out on new music. oh well my loss. but here i am getting older all the time. and being lazy. i never made it to the gym, but hopefully i will gotomorrow seeing as i paid more then triple this month for my pass then usual. ha.

i was reading the barrie punk page and it said mean things about how everyone left the triedit show early, and they werent true punks and it was rude, then i remebered that me and lindsay left early to, and i kinda felt bad. but the show was annoying and i couldnt stand the atmosphere anymore. and mickey is pissing me off and i wish he would move to another country so i dont have to see his fake using self ever again. ah. i think i should rant for a second about guys. i havent done that for a while. ANDY fuck talk abot the hugest waste of 2 months or however long it was, damn i knew things werent right and i wasted so much time. i asked the universe what was right and i thought it was what i was doing. but since weve broke up it felt like a humungous weight had been lifted off my back. i mean school was too, i think i tied him in entirely with school and didnt get connected to him at all. but i feel like i had been shutting myself off, and i really didnt notice it. like just the weird things i can do, that i stopped doing when we went out, like hang out with a kid in grade 7, i probably would have waisted that time making out with that loser. ok i feel bad hes not a loser, but i dont honestly miss anything nice about him at all. he never gave me presents or called me to say i like you. i never probably gave the time of day to him either anyways. he just kind of went with the flow. didnt have a mind of his own. he depended on me alot. gay. I really dont remeber much else, we had a very uneventful relationship. we had fun sleep overs, but i think sleepovers with anyone are fun. yeah.. i wish i was worth something, like one of those girls who gets rich boyfriends with prioritys, and a life, and dreams, and all that good stuff. when i think of all the guys ive dated theyve kinda been "losers" i mean in my mind theyve been totally awsome because its the personality that counts. or id just date them becuase they compliment me and who doesnt like compliments, but gr. i dont think im "good enough" to actaully get a good guy, like a professional skateboarder or something. what do girls have to do to get guys like that. i know thats one of the shalowest things ive thought, but really do you just have to be hot and get big tits? or do you have to be amazing, or do you have to meet when your young and fall inlove forever? I just think it would be cool to actaully date a guy who would buy me something like a fancy car, or a dress even. i mean it would be awsome if i could be that kinda girl who wouldnt care about stuff like that, because i really dont, i mean spending quality time together talking over coffee, thats better then any present. 90 % of the time when im out on dates, i make sure its 50/50 i hate it when guys actully do try to buy me stuff. but yeah. im sure there are girls out there getting spoiled by there rich boyfriends and i dont think its fair!!! ahh. yeah. oh well what is money anyways. i just need money to buy more paint and a jewellery studio,. and possibly some more balck clothing! oh yeah those neet plants from white rose, that will be cool. so yeah. i think im honestly in a great position right now with my mind,, im not crushing over any guy, or mourning over any guy. the breakup with andy was the easiset breakup ever. i feel bad for cheating on him, but in my mind at the time i was doing nothing wrong, i honestly thought it didnt matter. i think my sadness came as a small depression but i really didnt feel sorry for myself for not being in a realtionship anymore I felt bad for being dishonest to him. anyways I think i dont need a boyfriend right now, just hot guys to party with, or skate with, or goto shows with, but thats it. I like my home time, my personal space. its good.

I miss aaron, i wish he was online right now so i could talk about our weekend. but hes so busy and far away. i think hes a great person. I dont see him as being a guy or girl, i see him just as a person, hes true. i miss walking our dogs together, and watching movies, and talking about crazy things. its been a while (other then this weekend) since hes been home, we had a good summer together last year. when i think about who i spent it with it was him and curtis, just hanging out driving around drinking coffee. i miss curtis as a friend, and im so happy that he has a g.f but i dont want him to get hurt, i think hes really smart tho and hed know, but jen seemed to hurt justin alot. i just hope they are good together becuse i think thats what he needs! hes a lover. a weird lover but indeed he enjoys it, i think hes lost without love! but hes my advice person and knows everything about me, and i know almost everything about him, hes a real person to. but as a friend. a b.f he seemed to steal my happyness and dilute me with confusion. but i also had alot of growing to do wheni was with him. i am single i am sigle. i bet if i read all my entries they would be contradticting or something.

i dont know what i mean by that. Alcohol it is poison. i hope to go out with Lindsay and get really drunk and have an adventure and with cat to, we are also thinking of shrooms but im not really the kind of person to be able to find something like shrooms. i dont think ive ever bought drugs. i think i know about 3 possible people to ask, but i would feel weird. drug buying is strange. alcohol is probably worse for you though. just like candy. i hope that if i have my job for awhile, i can finally buy all my friends a drink, i owe cat, and meredeth, ive been so poor when i go out with them, that they have probably bought me a couple drinks and i have bought them nothing.. so it would be cool to be able to treat them to drunkeness. I hope that i stop drinking soon, but when i think of stopping alcohol, i get mad, what else am i going to do to let go, i already meditate and dance and cry and sing and run and all that stuff. I still need that letting go of reality to the psychoticness of the whole irisponisiblity of your drunken state its so fun. i like how you lose self controll, i mean after about 4 drinks for me im plastered and i do crazy things like dance like an iguana and forget what im talking about, but that is fun, think of all the stupid things your friends can tell you that you did the next day. then i think of how dumb that is and im not that stupid to need a drunkin adventure like that. but then i think of how fun it is to have just a couple drinks with good friends and you get to a talkin. then i think it would be good to do that stuff without drinking...! sheesh it just doesnt make sense. OMG