I think I really figured it out.
Guys make me Bi Polar.
most of my life is depressed or lacking life becuase Im not painting or working out, or finding a good job. But it seems when I good guy comes along I am super happy and frget about my life. I then begin my cycle. Life guy, the guy would make me happy becuase Im increbly lonely. I dotnt have many close friends who build my confidence or share emotions with.
Sara said to me the other day she had never seem me cry. I also realzie I close out everyone, I dont make an attempt to let them get to know me, I just act as a back bone for people. i dont really think of them as friends/ Aaron and cat have been there for me though for so long. they are good friends.
But it happens, I feel so happy and warm when I meet a guy, becaseu I finally feel happy, they give me the confidence I am lacking, and love I should be giving myself, sso its like a drug, not love.
I let them have this huge place in my life beucase I need them to get through it. becuase Im truly in life just not doing enough of thethings that make me happy.
When truely Iam gifted and talented, and very hot,. I could get any guy.
the end