today i had enough with gary. last night we went for a drive and i started talking about annoying retarted stuff like my worries about living in fort mac, my worries about my career, my fears of the oil price and fort mcmurray, questions about what i am doing. and he gets distant and angry and pulls away his love from me and hurts. he worries that I'm too immature to hang out with him and his kids because kids need to be around someone who's more positive and in touch with their spirit. he tells me constantly I'm becoming part of my ego. that little voice that keeps talking in my ear. telling me bad things complaining worrying. the ego is the one that does things because I'm in fear if i dont. he said doing things for other people is good. but doing things to hurt people or myself is bad. like modelling, or girls and botox and really fake stuff. like trying to become a famous lash artist. and all that stuff. he said i remind him of the girl on fight club who just wants to fuck all the time and she's weird. this morning when i woke up i felt sad. i felt like he wasn't being affectionate with me. and was withdrawn. and he said he had a hard time opening up himself in my life because he felt like i wasn't ready to let go of worry and all that garbage.
it hurt me a lot inside to feel like he was distant from me. like he was holding back on purpose. it felt like he wouldn't be able to love me. and it hurt. because i let go of all of his faults. i guess i am afraid to let my walls down. i was afraid he didn't really like me enough. i just need to be more silent and come back to the present moment in the 5 sense.
but that feeling that i wasn't quite good enough for him made me feel sick.
i feel like he's a bit cold. even though I'm the one who just wants to walk away. i feel like it hurts not being with him. but i probably need to do a lot more spiritual work on myself. so I'm not that annoying version of myself. he said i was a good person. trustworthy and good with animals and probably kids. but he didn't like that i worry.
i dont think he's looking for me. he's looking for the perfect version of me.
I'm just looking for a sweet spiritual lover.... i could be with him. but he was holding back from me. and i guess i could have chosen to grow quicker. but those things take timeā„ and self sabotaging myself needs to stop