2016-01-24 / / / / AUM

Ok so i am enlightened now. I get it.
That is pretty much amazing. Thank you. honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sort of get it now.
So it started with a meditation i had today about compassion. I full on went to this place.
First of all it started with the feeling of overwhelmingness. And a feeling of icky. We were supposed to breath that in. My icky feeling came from me over booking myself. And canceling last minute. I feel icky when there is too much going on, and i can't properly shield myself from people and their emotions. So i get burnt out and tired and just cancel my plans last minute and upset people. Or I cut them off. I just abandon them and my commitments. I feel like i get burnt out because I dont properly take two days off work. Which I never do. And i dont work a proper schedule. I work every day, spiratic hours, and my job is always very much into helping other people emotionally. even though thats not my real job. so on the opposite end of that was taking care of myself first. And not over booking myself and making all of these obligations i dont want to make in the first place. So many people want my time. whether its to socialize do their lashes, tarot or reiki. I feel the need to finally cut this out. And stay committed to working 8-4 every day and take 2 days off. and if I'm worried about money, get a different job. Theres no reason for me to be working all the time. and trying to help everyone when i can't even help myself.
The next challenge was to bring in our fear vs love and joy. And my fear was all of these really hard jobs and high expectations I have. I am always pushing myself towards perfection.
I pictured myself stressing out about being smart and a being nurse, or running a business, having a very demanding boyfriend, a demanding dog, a demanding highly stressful schedule. And i began to laugh at myself!!!!!!!!! this amazing feeling of joy came over me. I realized that I fear I am not smart enough. So thats why all of my jobs are so hard. When I looked at myself as a nurse, I felt insecure about what I had learned. I felt pushed, and I saw myself empathetically picking up the other nurses insecurities about not being smart enough at their job. I felt like my boyfriend, and friends all that stuff, hair dressing i am really hard on myself to be and do better because I'm so smart. When in reality its ok not to be smart. If I can't handle those types of stressful situations I dont need to!!!! there are other jobs out there. I can have a less stressful life if I dont push myself to reach 10. Can you imagine how stressful it is to have a job that requires you to be really smart all the time ?? I dont take care of myself well enough to do that. And Im an empath. I will feel other peoples fear and insecurities about that stuff all of the time. I dont have anything to prove!!!!! I dont have to push myself that hard. If the world needs more smart people they will be made. Im smart but in a different way. And it doesn't mean that my job needs me to prove I'm smart. I can let that go now.
Being a hairdresser, business owner, nurse... those are all very stressful jobs. Not meant for me! because I am smart---- I need to learn more and focus on one thing at a time.

I saw myself instead, working a part time job- like lashes, because I'm good at it. photography and makeup. because its easy and I'm naturally good at it! I saw how hard it is to be a tarot reader, and my reiki chakra healer stuff... I feel insecure and stressed out about those things because its so hard!!1 can you imagine how hard peoples lives are that truly have to deal with that kind of stuff? Even though I can doesn't mean I have to. It will make me sick. When I can just enjoy life!!
Im naturally good at reading people but it physically hurts me.
I'm good at tarot reading and makeup and photography. doesn't mean i have to make those things my job. I should have a job that is easy and relaxed. and let go of all the pressure. and then i will feel calm and relaxed. My dog and Gary are also high maintenance. and that will drain me.

Then I saw love vs suffering. And i saw myself burnt out, and trying to fix and heal everyone that is suffering. and sending real love out to everyone and trying to fix and heal them.
When i looked over at myself, i was small and broken and weak and hurt. I need to send love to heal myself first before i can fix anyone else.
I over work myself in jobs i hate, and i dont relax and take time off f for me. of instead I'm running around worrying and helping everyone. Well news flash........ you can't fix everyone and heal them. they have to do it on their own. But you are responsible for fixing yourself.
And its about time that you do that. Or you will get weak.
and when I mean fix yourself, that means alone time, love self time. relax time. and just staying on a little routine for a bit.
I dont think you can love Gary or monkey right now. You're broken and you're trying to fix everyone else.
Well look in the mirror--- you are suffering. I know you know what its like to suffer and feel broken and lost. and thats why you can see it in all these people. But you have to stop. and just help yourself.
I can see myself in the future being very calm----- having little material possessions. living near a beach, meditating on the ocean and having a website that directs people to their own healing.
First of all I will cut out all of the people that are draining me.
Then i will surround myself with people that will fill me up.
And when I do lashes between 8-4 i will not empathize for them. And i will not fix them. I will fix me.
I can guide them to what they need to do.
But i will not give them reiki and tarot. Thats for me.
eventually i will become more spiritual. and find my real path.
I will probably end up making jewellery, art and makeup and writing and blogging and spend little time with people. unless its to teach them and help them on their path.
But Im done fixing them and healing them. Its killing me.
I will focus on my own suffering and set up a mirror to those who are suffering and send them to be taught- because i can't fix then. I can only teach.
Eventually i will write a book or a blog, so they can tap into my information.
At the end of the meditation, creating everything painful in- i was able to see the cause of my suffering. And on the other end was all the good emotions. they are masked with these situations, the situations aren't really. They are your tests.
Its just raw emotion and energy that exists.
I will let go of fear, and put myself in uncomfortable situations and not be afraid of them. i will let go of attachment- attachment to my job, to money, to physical items, and i will attract more when i need them .
when you open your heart, you feel compassion. but dont feel the need to fix everyone. you are a little broken for that.
I would work slowly on climbing out of your dark little hole. to a soft cushy ground. and then work on putting yourself in sitaiutions to learn and grow. dont put yourself in jobs you will hate because you are a strong empath. Its going to take some time to work on still. but dont stay stuck.
when she said get out of the things you fear- i think thats being afraid to not work over time- to drive to lake louise. to go back to school. to sign up for a yoga retreat. Dont be afraid of people. Be strong for once. But build some walls first. because people have been trying your whole life to tear them down. Because you do give love to everyone and everything.
Its time to give that love to yourself! dont be afraid of that.
And dont be afraid to work from home, and work on a book and work on art. and videos.
That will help people!
dont put yourself in areas where you will sink. Finally have the courage to put yourself in situations where you will swim
<3
om Mani padme A U M

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