Ive come through so many little hurdles in the road. I dont know why this one is so tough. Maybe its because Joel played me. and treated me like crap. maybe its because gary and i broke up/ maybe its because i kinda hooked up with gerry.
I decided to leave the salon because my mind kept telling me the extra money wasn't worth it.
And every time i started going there i had this weird feeling in my stomach like i didn't want to be there anymore/ I just kept getting so busy with lashes that i stopped booking hair. And I got so burnt out.
Its so hard for me to make my income lashes when i sort of hate it. but how do i make the transition to something else. Its not that easy sometimes. because id rather be doing lashes then lots of other things.
I am happy Barb want to work on things with me at the spa.
Ive really sort of given up lately because I feel like I'm so money driven. It really bothers me.
Sometimes Im not really sure what Im doing. And then i give up and trust in Jesus and God.
if things were a little easier here. I must be doing something wrong.
I keep trying to hear the voices in my head and which is intuition.
I feel strong about not going back to Flair hair. because i feel lots of weird negative energy from the people there. And i wasn't really that happy. I was starting to dread it.
I am way better off doing it from my home. Its smart of me.
I hate how Gary told me just to walk away from lashes, not do tattoos, and just apply for jobs. I didn't get any interviews. Im creative healer. I'm meant to work in the field I'm in. He's not used to my kind because his ex was just a stay at home mom.
Not just, thats probably harder than what I could do.
anyways soul. I really dont know what you want.
I know no body really wants to work. and I know I have some eating disorders. I shouldn't be eating milk, and i shouldn't be so addicted to meeting a BF/ Maybe i need a pretend online one.
Or just get counselling instead of a BF. it would probably be cheaper. LOL
I do sometimes miss hair. but it makes me feel uncomfortable now. Because its not my life anymore.
Back in the day when I took education and followed the trends. but i am more into makeup and skin care. I guess right now really isn't the time for me to have a BF. because I'm gaining a tiny bit of weight. they all go away then,. I love running and will go back to that soon.
but i dont need to go so much. and i dont need to join a triclub
that was good for my energy though.
Gary doesn't like to walk outside or run, he barely does yoga, he just eats weird. i know he eats junk food. i know he's weird. i wish that didn't happen. i was all excited. and he was all dreamy and amazing.
we did that cute little test thing to see if our personalities matched.
i dont get it. why was i so floored by him and now i hate him? is there a problem with me?
I just remember him being mad when I said i wanted to leave. and he said that i wasn't planning my future with him. i barley know him.
and id rather spend my future with someone more active like joel who pushes me to feel happier. where gary pushed me to feel crappier. although joel pushed me to spend money i didn't have. that was stupid. if i could date joel again but just be broke in his eyes. i wouldn't have spent as much as i did.
but live and learn.
Id really like to practice makeup more//
I think maybe i would be really happy doing it.
And i dont know how i can use my nursing but i pretty much have to give that up now.
unless i can figure something out... god help me.
I am a career oriented woman.
with big goals and dreams.
I live to be an artist and connect with my angels and spirit guides.
I no longer wish to be consumed by my business because it doesn't make me happy.
I do want to make more money some how. and i know i can work hard to achieve it.
these last few days i have felt very drained. i think ever since i met gary my energy has been lower.
I started drinking a bit, stopped working out got sick--- actually that was since Alan. Man i shouldn't have started dating at all I'm an idiot.
I was at a good place. it was right after me and gerry broke up. i really started to focus on myself.
Maybe Gerry is really good for me.
I dunno though. we have had a weird thing going on.
But it was after Gerry i started playing drums, and pushed myself to get into tattooing. and realized i eat like a retard, then trust psychopaths. i wish i could start over with gerry sometimes.
now that we made it to that level.
but now he's leaving. its like he figured it out.
Its a game here---- keep climbing the mountain to the surprise happy ending. which is success, or get off where you are and enjoy the view.
Its like people were just starting to get there and then they jump off and dive into a cuddly cloud with a silver lining.
I can't decide what my should purpose is. To feed the EGO- be an instargam star, and youtube star, a Facebook star, a model mayhem star, a pawn in Destinys world. A fuck buddy for Joel. or Gerry... or whomever. Or fall in love. move in get controlled. lose control lose my mind . be dependant get an STD never be able to leave, always be broke. get put down. feel put down, not feel good enough. not break free. give up on my dreams.
Dave tells me to just work hard and save. and stay focused.
I wish i could listen to no one but myself.

Why are all my jobs so focused on people? and why didn't i get a nice little vacation. and where is my dog?
Why did Alan and Jen. and everyone make me give up my dog? is it because she was masking the fact i wasn't happy. then in the light i realized i hated my job, i hated my life, i hated myself. but she covered up the stench.
when inside I'm just like denise. I over worry, i over think, I'm stuck in the past about why a relationship didn't work out.

I sit in a pile of my filth, i eat bad food. i am not motivated.

Opposite, go out socialize, gym, healthy eating, running, water, music, create, friends, life.
Maybe the reason destiny is your only friend is because she feels sorry for you. but she does love you.
You have megan, and amanda, and david, and jenny
so many other people you need to access.
When Destiny comes close your ego sky rockets.

please be advised an ego is a sensitive thing.
You truly want to do good things for people.
dont overuse that gift.
or underuse it by hiding. the world shines brighter when you help it shine.
that sage smells weird. I'd get rid of the one. it lingers like a burnt ash tray? its all i can smell.
I think that new oatmeal has too much sugar and gluten in it.
Im going to take sleeping pills again tonight
and less coffee.
My ego can't walk away. I'm mean to help people I'm meant to be in the service industry. but healing as well.
have faith in the fact that you can heal =, and you are psychic. and you can read people.
follow your heart. re connect it to god.
Gary did make you disconnected. you were so connected right before you met him.
Go back to then, You were with Joel. you were sick of getting caught up in Joel. you loved Joel. ) :
you've got it bad for Joel...............
Is that your ego? Why so connected to him? its so weird.
i miss him. ) :
i really like him
i can't get over him.
I'm madly in love with him
hes bad for me isn't he
i like myself when I'm in his world.
why can't he want more of me?
why can't i be wth him
i love his mind and his soul, and his body.
i let go of my fear i let go of the hurt.
i miss him.
it hurts. but i was doing so much better with him.
i was positive. only pain takes me away. only fear.
he drives me insane. i drive myself insane
one second I'm happy the next I'm crazy its all so messed up.
who i do i choose
why
why whywhwywwhwywhywhwhwyw
what the heck.
i push myself to get back on tract.
where the fuck is that anyways.
do i do hair do i do hair do i do hair do i do hair.
why does that though ruin my life so much!!!!!!!!! do i just go do hair ??? WTFFFFF
i feel like the last few months i severely fucked myself up/
now i want to get back and keep going.
Im scared then not scared then afraid but not afraid, then happy but sad and alone but with lots of people.
then stable then not, but i make my own reality then i dont.
oh god oh god
I'm going insane.
i just give up
i fully give up
do i rent the salon do i not rent the salon
do i rent the salon
do i get insurance
do i put up another ad
do i work more withouht vacation time, or benefits
do i work a job that is so physically demanding I'm wasting away to nothing?
I need to get back to the gym. i need to stay focused/ but most importantly i need to be happy.
I think what makes me happy is when i have a short happy positive day and accomplish lots of things.
i need to make a positive difference in the world. be involved in it. somehow. like the art or the mind. the love.
the unity
it doesn't matter how.
but i am part of it, i dont have to try. i dont fail/ i dont fear
i dont have to do anything.
i can just be me.
and tarot reader
and attuned to the energy of GOD
be one with GOD be one with GOD
GOD WHO wants you to draw. and read auras, and help people and connect with angels.
GOD is pushing you-- to get passed these obstacles. to go much FURTHER
it doesn't matter which guy you choose. they are all pushing you where you need to go. it doesn't matter if you rent the hair salon, you just keep going closer to god.
WHEN YOU SMILE< WHEN YOU STOP WORRYING WHEN YOU ARE HAPPY WHEN YOU LAUGH!!!!!! when you stop this insanity of planning your life you will realize you give up and let god
!
you LET GO LET GO LET GO LET GO LET GO LET GO
Now go LET go of MONKEY ) :
of JOEL OF EVAN OF GERRY OF JOY OF THOMAS OF CURTIS OF DEWA> LET THEM ALL GO> OF LUKE>
OF MICKEY
THEY ALL HELPED YOU GET WAY CLOSER TO GOD> THIS IS A GOOD THING!!!!!!!!!
GO TO CHURCH AT MGA GO WIRH GARY
GO TO ALANON_ BRING DESTINY
GO HAVE FUN WIRH HAIR AND MAKEUP AND TAKE PICTURES
GO HAVE FUN WITH DOGS AND TAKE PICTURES
HO HAVE FUN WITH REIKI
GO HAVE FUN WIRH YOUR ART!!!! LET LOOSE< DO YOUR LASHES FROM HOME> YOU LOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEE WORKING FROM HOME> 9 thats why you can't do hair..... you loved doing it form home LACEYS is NOT YOUR HOME> and it won't be hers for long.
Find a home you can do hair from, it will find you <3
do a little hair, busy your own products.
It will be fine. I'm sure you could set up something super duper cute in your house. People would literally die, if you actually did cheap hair from home. ( ;
See i got your attention now.
Tehy dont wanna go to laces and pay for her over head.
They want to come see you!!!!!! and i will send them to you, so you can help them with their health, and teach them about reiki.
you can love them.
You can do undoes, and take pictures.
Set you lights up in your home.
with your reflector. get a back drop/
buy cheap hair colour. order it or, sell your shoes and go to edmonton.
people will love CHEAP hair. Please do that for the people.
just set it up all cute.
Fuck the city--- dont register dont work.
once you tell a few people you do CHEAP hair, they will all come.
Just get a deposit maybe first-- and dont go too cheap. Actually calculate what you spend. pay yourself an hourly rate, 20$ an hour and go from there.
Register as a mobile license if you want, but register your old business at evans. just incase.
And change your name, so its legit.
You can do mobile to.
but no over head.
and really really great things will come of the permanent makeup. just be patient. learn more about it.
Your part of the fashion world. Thats your job. its not an ego thing.
and youre beautiful. too beautiful for most people to handle. keep modelling/
Go see monkey and love her. dont feel guilty . she's needed there more than you know.
she is brightening up all of their hearts. its amazing
they will want to keep her. And you. they can be your family
and go visit Amanda and Denise. they love you
you love them.
SO if you want to remember anything it is this
Put your business stuff back up, register with Evans address.
You can be mobile from that, Sort out your fb name.
dont advertise. Put showcase all of your work on FB and instagram.
Dont panic. and write in here more often.
write down everything.
Dont for one second thing you're meant to be a writer- you're not.
you're an artist
but you can write all sorts of stuff in here. and write songs. you put too much stress on your writing i can't handle it.
So, re open Facebook. post some stuff on there and BOB about brows lashes fashion. Keep it up/ Gary is actually jealous. like everyone else.
But you work incredibly hard. and study you're up that shiz.
keep your passions alive thats where you came from!!!! you can't take the healer artist psychic out of the healer artist psychic. you were given these gifts to be locked up in a weird job, they were meant for the public.
LOVE them, and love will return to you. That your problem right now. You must LOVE the people that come to you.
from your heart. and everything will work out, and you will get your jewellery studio--- or like the plan you had 3d printing and fiver. See i give you some food every now and then.
But love all of my children. you shame me when you say you hate them.
banish that hatred from your soul and you will find the light again.
You loved them once, you will again.
You will. XOXO GOD