2015-10-12 / / / / i duunoi

Today I am insane. My brain is spinning around. Between battling loneliness, depression, fear, regret, pain, sorrow, the forgetting of god, I feel despair. My friend Destiny has driven me crazy. I no linger want to really be around her for some reason. she makes me mad and irritatble. but we should exchange veim and reiki. I just can't handle how she thinks people should be one way, she's a horrible human in some ways. and i hope i am not like that. I know I have work to do. but that is what life is about self disovery. Its like she's the boss of what is what because she is a Facebook god. I can't handle her anymore.
I miss Gerry and Joel. I ruined things with both of them. but maybe things were really things after all. I hate meeting guys on Tinder its too forced, and I should be getting out to meet people. I want to take a drawing class, and paint some more. Tomorrow I have to remember to pick up glue from Jenny, all day I was trying to decide if i should buy glue now or wait. But she will be gone soon. If I order it from lash lady its probably fresher and cheaper. I hate the fact that US shipping is so expensive it makes ordering lasges more expensive and some trays are costing 40$ with shipping. Eyelash Canada is a bunch of retards. I can't fucking stand them. Although when I have their little jars and some trays, everything seems to be ok. but their shipping is so expensive, and they never get back to me on time for my orders.
Maybe I should order a 10 jar as well in a c curl. Today one set of lashes I did, didn't look very good, They never look as good as when they are first done.
Some part about doing lashes all day is kind of lame. but its my own business and it makes good money. Im ready for something else. I had people ask me for reiki. So I'm going to get healthy again, avoid sugar, avoid meat, gluten, all the good things and go back to rice and vegetables. Im going to try really hard this week to get back on track because my farts are intensely gross. I can't break down all these starchs. except my acne has cleared up. NOT giving a fuck, about boys, about what I eat. I actually have a healthy glow to my face. it looks good.
i want to save $ but I'm not happy unless I'm spending it . that is seriously an amazing quote. today i sand a lot on my walk.it was really cool. i just make up all these rhymes, and sing beautiful old style, and i think monkey likes it. yesterday after i was at the gym i sat down and played the piano and i was making up all these beautiful songs, i think thats something i should work on as well.
Photography, music making, art. life is so splendid with all of its magic.
HOnestly i miss joel more than i miss gerry. gerry makes me mad. he just said lots of stupid stuff. joel was way more intelligent someone i can learn and grow from.
I love spending time at home on my own in my world. on my computer, listening to chopin. sometimes I communicate with spirit. and Its cool. there are angels everywhere.
and people who passed away. Today my grandpa sat beside me at the river and he threw a fishing line in the water.
he sat next to me. he said like he did when my dad was a kid.
I'm off and on again friends with my brother right now. I mean i forgive him. but i don't want to be friends anymore.
Its just that he really hurt me.
When I broke up with evan, he wasn't really there. and he didn't help me out.
Its ok. I'm over it.
But it really hurt. and i feel like i should make some time for people who actually want to be my friends.
Thats why you have friends so they will be there when you're down.
i think about how annoying destiny is. i asked her for joeys # and she took all day. then she said I'm a big girl. like I'm just annoyed.
oh well. soon i will go to yoga, and chill out and be healthy and have no time for nonsense. If I do lashes all day, 10 12 and 2. i have the whole afternoon for yoga and trip club. and eating healthy. and watching amanda do readings. I don't need anything else. Just the ability to stop spending money.
And if i have excess of anything give it away.
i know people could use it.
I dream to be in Love soon.
But i will find love in god. and alanon, and AA and that other church i have so many things I want to do.
Honestly I neever feline doing reiki. Only getting it.
LOL Maybe thats what I should do, just trade reiki with other reiki people. And then down the road practice. but I'm not ready yet.
I hate sucking in other peoples weird stuff.
I can't wait to disconnect from people. Their energy is so annoying.
honestly i don't know where i see myself in the next 5 years.
I couild care less about it! As long as I'm being creative nothing matters. Thats from my heart.
And my heart will always know in the moment what it wants.
It likes the sun, and walks, and being its own boss.
I just have to listen. its taking me on a crazy ride.
as I tinder some cute boys.
Fuck man. Im a handful.
whats my favourite tv show?? The simpsons hands down. followed by family guy.
Never too old for that shit.
Sometimes I wonder why I am so crazy but then i remember i don't care.
remember when you used to get paranoid this diary site would just get closed down? That was interesting.
You're self obsessed sometimes.
And its time that you stop that

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