Today my stomach feels heavy. I regret eating two frozen dinners and drinking a beer. I have decided to get healthy and this certainly isn't the way. I am tired and hung over. yesterday I drank too much wine. I did drive across the country and felt like I deserved a glass after all the driving.
I find it hard to remember things lately. I am losing my mind.
Going backwards today- for about 5 mins my brother and Amy laughed at me. Said it would take me longer than 3 weeks to get ahead, and I could live in a car. They don't like my idea to move to Kelowna. I'm not entirely convinced its the best idea. But Fort McMurray is weird.and I am tired of it. I am mainly tired of myself.
Brianne came over with Frankie. She is a nice girl. our lives are ironic the way they are connected. We plan to move together to BC and we discuss a plan to rent a house together or apartment so we can have our dogs with us.
I worry I can't save enough money in two months. and She convinces me I can.
Earlier today I drove around looking for a jacket and a computer charger for my other computer. I want to get my files and pictures off of it. I messaged Joy for a bit. and he made me happy. Hes a really great guy. I am sad things between us didn't work. I would love for them to work out again somehow one day.
I miss him, and his niceness. and he looks super hot. ( :
I have this horrible feeling in my stomach that I am no good at life anymore. I desperately wish to give up. I think about ending my life every 5 minutes because I hate it so much. But I break through with positive thoughts. However I probably need to be on medication. I keep remembering all of the crazy messed up things that have happened to me lately. And now that things are ok. I feel the pain of what its like when things aren't ok. Its hard to move on and feel good again.
Its especially hard being single again after living with someone you care deeply about. This last break up with Evan has really taken a toll on me mentally. I am almost better. And then he will text me. and ruin my sanity once more.
Sometimes I worry that I am too tired or too ugly, or too forgetful. or just plain out to lunch that I do not belong in this world.
I find more and more difficult to fit in, and understand what is going on around me.
As an adult I feel like my sensitivity to many things has heightened. and I am not healthy.
I have let myself go in someways and over compensate in others.
As much as I have connected deeply with that hidden part of myself. It unravels the training society has forced upon me to become normal. I am definetly not normal and it is cruel punishment to try to be.
I hate people and I shouldn't hate.
I am more thankful now.
I understand more now.
I will be ok soon.
I am excited to use my canon DSLR more now. I am excited to style hair, to do lashes. I am excited to write my millions of stories that are floating around in my head.
I am excited to make friends. I am excited to go back to the gym. TO drink shakes, to make juice, to eat healthy. to meditate. and quit drinking. drinking is the devil.
I must let it go. and I will be healthy and happy again.
good morning