Im really annoyed about being confused lately. Its really annoying. i must say.
I cant decide what I want to do right now in my life. Im going to hair school but its lacking something. Im not sure if its teaching, or a comfortable environment. butits lacking something. I thougght it would be a more enjoyable environment to be in. but i kinda hate it.
I hate everything though.
I really wantto not hate everything but that would involve me chosing something I like.
Sometimes i wish the world would make my decisions for me and i coud just go along for the ride, so i wouldnt second guess myself when everything falls apart, i would know it was just meant to be.
perhaps thats how I should be feeling anyways. but my mind is in states that it wishes to do what it thinks is right, in some kind of existnetiast way.
I guess I do believe in nothing. and I also believe i have believed in everything.. now there is nothing left.
I wish this cloud over my head would disolve soon. I feel its just been hanging around to long.
Im not sure if I have to disconect myself from the world, or If I need to dive right in it.
Its troubling to think of.. what will I do.
I feel happieness in my chest sometimes, thats when I kknow Im thinking the right way. when it feels likes its truly glowing, and it fills me with some kind of confidence and love for life.
Im missing my room. i wish i was there in my bed listening to sparta, not feeling so bloated of course, and maybe smoking a joint. basically i think thats all i need to get out of bed in the morning is a little wake and bake.
I can do life, I can be happy. I can fit it all together, I can make it work. I dont have to think all the time.
But it starts again. the maniacs cycle. Im not sure what to listen to, each voice in my head has now been labled evil. and thats not my fault. its the voices fault.
Do I take responsibilty for those voices? they shold take responsibilty for me for once.
I guess I really need to talk tosomeone
a therapist, who will make me cry and face my emotions. that must be what im missing. some people can get them right out there for me, but i tend to hang out with the people who help me shut them off.
Oh thank you for the tears of pure pain. it connects me to this reality of fear i live in.
and where do i go when its all over?
fear?
is that what i believe?
what do i believe anymore?
is everyone really out to get me still.. i hope i let that one phase out, or i wont have anymore friends left.
not like i had any to begin with.. just some fancy admirers.
thats all thats it
just gotta keep given it i guess
when i go home, im just gonna keep going until i crash. theres no harm in stopping it lets you start all over again
until the end..
yours truly
CW