The Understanding of conciousness�
By Crystal Walley

May 13, 2005

It was the end of 2 pregnencies and I couldn�t even hold the children after they were carried away from my womb,

This decision came to me in many forms, most of which were external
The force that drives a person to make a decision, Stems from what the know of themselves inner and outerly.
This makes sense when someone recognizes a beingoutside of their energy, and holds them as owners of a current identity one currently holds.
Friendships, and family turn into me, and not them. It is my vision however which implys the importance of response from others I communicate with.
In every decision you must alone face consequence, and those who are you, around you will not face consciquence in the same form, Yet one form due to the connection will be held also.
One drop of water creates a ripple and this ripple spreads mostly to �everything� it turn, the connection of all inaimate and animate beings are brought forth cleary in any decision any life form decides to make. Large or small, the ripple is there, And it caries itself seen or unseen through the rest of eternity.
Broken down into closer quarters you can see these effects directly relate in those around you.
Usually when I come into a new persons life, I know I will change them somehow. Which is a connection and ownership of energy on both parts. But this change, happens internally, from my vision. However this vision is never looked at in full perspective, it is directly how it will effect me first.
In certain situations I can see the change directly when I enter my sphere of energy into another. And the consequences either become good or bad entirely determined by perspective. And this perspective is a whole, yet whole not as individual but whole as in �everything�
The force of change, and the force of creating change comes slowly, in nature we see the patterns of change, as they happen time and again, we can see it as a pattern, for example spring summer fall, it�s a basic pattern, which happens slowly, yet we are �outside� of it therefore our picture becomes a prediction, Yet we know prediction is never 100% accurate as we know the power within organic beings is becoming the change, and awakening to force the change in a direction You chose.
Yet the patterns we see in nature can be seen in us, although maybe we have to be outside of ourselves in some form (another personality) to see it
Yet this misguides the self from actually getting to know its patterns as it wishes to change in both directions, Influential ways and Internal ways.
So the term �new� and now can only exsist for a second within a second, for we realize the second and take away its power to be new, to be forever, without a prediction of constant change.
Most of the world I see is part of the world, As I chose certain pictures and memories to glance through I realize this in many ways. So in a miniscule way I learn the �world� is partly my creation, in which I wish to see.
My wondering gaze traps certain colours which inturn are trapped deep within me.
Yet for one to awake at a moment before change, we have the opportunitie to force the outer world into becoming something we would rather see, maybe in full vision. Taking everything in, would mean I wanted to see everything, I created everything and I am content with the everything.
A lot of my struggle comes from understanding my power. And what it is that separates my moods apart of being good and bad.
Power for me now has become to invision something and within days have that vision come to life.
In dreams this is possible, in many ways I�m sure. And still discovering.
Most of the power I have found in dreaming however has been voiced to me, whether I have heard the voice from peoples or nature, It is a guiding voice, and I can only wonder which part of the �voice� is actually mine.
What I learn becomes a mystery, of why what and how have I learned and is it real?
The question of reality in a dream, is will I remember this, and becoming aware you are dreaming, therefore what is reality? A memory or an awakening?
Memories in my mind come to me in my waking life yet the images I choose to remember sometimes shock me, and the things I forget puzzle me.
As I reach closer and closer towards all of these answeres I am looking for I always seem to realize I don�t need to question I just need to live, But then would I be living without questioning my exsistance? I feel this is why computers aren�t alive aware, they don�t wonder about themselves, and question why they are sitting where they are sitting.
This goes to my parents aswel, I feel they have stopped questioning why they are �here� and no where else. So are they alive and happier then I? Or are they dead in some form awaiting a rebirth.
When answers flow to my mind I feel something, I feel something real that cannot be expressed in words or packaged, it�s a strange feeling getting an answer especially when it seems to come from somewhere very deep inside.
A question I have is what am I supposed to do? If I was the highest of my being what would be our nirvana, what would our state be, and I figure If I do not know that answer of my own perfection, how can I step in any direction to lead to that perfection, or desireable temporary outcome.
Images become real, and I find myself telling myself to just keep looking, look deeper and get them all out, get every image out, write them down, pass them on.
I see an image of two circles on opposite sides of eachother and in the middle there is a line making sure they are separated, this image to me right now means, one image I hold has to make it through a barrier then to the other side, which would be in one circle through the line and into the other circle, almost crossing over.
This to me would directly relate to my feelings of completing something you are longing for, my imagine, turns to reality, a reality on the external. If I see something I should physically be able to �see� it.

In seeing there comes a feeling of believing, and belief is a very powerfull word in itself, I see people following other people throughout history because of a strong belief, a belief in anything.
I need to believe it to see it.
Which connects to my want to see, I also need to believe.
Society seems to have a very strong way of forcing this belief to disappear or turn into lack of belief, disbelieving, and a chain reaction of other neagitive forms of that distruction. But Soceity doesn�t have to be society, it is just the forces choising to tell me what I shold or shouldn�t believe.
I feel a lot of the time it wants me to fail, it wants me to give up and not care.
To see the image in the end as something undesirable, which forces me always to question why I think of good or bad, and If I�m supposed to do something I am just simply supposed to do it.
But does it entirely matter of the outcome? I feel that is part of living, is to just live without caring about the future, which is a picture you see at the end of a tunnel, good or bad. Any decision I have first goes through a tunnel and I decide if it is worth it.
Yet I happen to follow any impulse and just see where it takes me. In a sense I�m trying to understand or believe that there is no right or wrong or good or bad, and we all just Are.
So then the images I see and the motivation I have comes to me in material, it is an excess, it is more then I need. Seeing as most Ideas I have would be to help me become richer in some form.
So to me when I have an idea, I feel it has entered my head, slips out of my head the second it gets there, and travels down the round or connection path to the next ball of energy I am connected tos internal.
Which seems impossible, but I believe strongly in a telepathic connection between all living beings.
When I here the statement Unique, or individual I question is stability its worth. What is unique, if all our ideas come from one main source which everything is conncected to, then nothing is really mine nor yours, and envy greed and power turn into dust.
The man who does nothing realizes he is nothing and becomes dust, is a man who is not greedy and not pleasure driven.
Pleause confuses me in this way, Is the pleasure of succeeding in my richness what will bring me above others so I will become setlled and complete, or will this feed my want and hunger for more pleasure.
When I get ideas, I pass them on, and in time I will see them. I want sometimes to be the first one to do it though, and I know I will have to act fast, but what is the same?
Does the same really exsist, because everything is always new and now, Unique and the same is actually impossible.
Yet I feel a strong struggle to be different, but different from what?
Sometimes visions I have are very vivid and very powerful, when I say we all come from one source, I strongly know this inside, as we are all connected because we have spent our time inside a womb.
Which for all I know is god.
It is everyones connection, it is the starting place for organic beings as I know them, a seed an egg or a womb.
I picture the inside of the womb, the dark inside you cant see but can only feel, is the warmest brightest form of energy.
In the middle of my brain there is a ball of blue electricity, and in the middle of my stomach there is a womb.
The inner connection between those two things is very powerfull, and in my mind it is not fully understood.
If this place of creation has exsited for as long as any being has exsisted then it is infinite, infinite in time, because it holds to inner clock, it is always creating and birthing.
Yet it is preserving and destroying aswel. There is a very strong life force underneath it all.
I wonder if that is where the voice comes from, or the sound, the frequency of enlightenment, and if you could be there what would it actually feel like.
What would I actually see, would I see myself times infinte, or would I see myself creating myself, would I always just be wondering.
A mirror is a very strange thing for my to think of because it is a trap, as much as it is a gateay to the infitite ratio, if you put two mirrors infront of eachother the image will go on forever. So I wonder if it�s the same with anything I do, if it goes on forever, and how does that forever actually feel if it has nothing to do with �time�
Am I already there?
I must be.
Since I was little I have seen an image of a tunnel that goes on forever and it the tunnel there are stars, and the stars become worlds, and worlds become now, and now takes me away from knowing that the tunnel actually goes on forever.
I wonder what will I do to amuse myself in this tunnel once I find I will have to be there forever, Then I realize, well I will only have to remember right now, because already its working.
I am already somewhere else, and fear of boredom gets torn apart much differently.
So I feel like worrying doesn�t make sense.
In my tunnel I fear the darkness, but the tunnel of inner womb connection must be dark aswel.
I love to play around with the idea that every women is born with all of her eggs.
It�s very magical to play with because it breaks down time into something so long, those eggs which are us, are timelss, and old. As old as the sun.

Today for me I wonder if in the back of mymind somewhere, I could possibly have the memoeryof being a seed, and if my life as a seed and egg were just as real as this, has my energy been floating around in humans for a long time, as my organic matter has exsisted since the beginning of time, or did I just come to be when I found both my sperm and egg together, was that now me?
This question doesn�t hold much strength as I think of how many different people it took to make me.
Genetics are a very strange question, if my genes hold the blood of many humans does that mean a part of my life has been prearranged because of who and what the people my blood came from accounted to.
Or does that mean absolutely nothing?
Genes, plus teachings of the soul must come together, I hear stories throughout history of how some children come from royalty and they grow up with their parents taking from them genes and knowledge, yet I hear of how the men would want to impregnate many women, and the ones who are lessern their society who bare the children will be kept secret or abandoned. So if this happens are their people out there with better genes then I or have we all come from the same blood, and we all hold the same possibilities of being royalty, or smart. Perfect. Do we have the posiblity to mirror all humans, in their shadow of perfection.
Or do we need higher teachings, spread through something more then blood, maybe words? Are there secrets passed through generations to help children understand. Yet the question of death seems to be unanswered. Maybe there are questions which hold answers of powers, humans with extra ordinary strengths.
I have many dreams of levitating objects with my mind, to me this is one thing I would like to do in this world. And I feel if I met the right people, they would be able to teach me.
In my dreams I also fly, many humans have the desire to fly, or just float. In space I see we could get this feeling, so maybe in our dreams we know these experiences because we are traveling somewhere outside such an atmosphere.
Watching many movies stirs questions, maybe the atmosphere is some kind of metaphor, I see it as the line between the two circles, somehow we have to break it�s barrier. Break off many boundries. I feel in this physical life it wouild be impossible to fly through the atmosphere, because what I have learned about gravity. I feel like giant magnets in the earth were maybe placed there by some form of being before us to hold the less worthy of traveling here.
There are many predictions of aliens coming to earth and rescuing the intellegnt and living in other worlds for millions of years compared to our time. I feel if there is other intelligent beings �outthere� does this mean there are other intelligent beings within me, who just have to be awoken.
Space travel and time travel would make sense, if certain aquations were mixed around, like light years away galaxys and traveling through them.
Then time would fall apart, as would the atmosphere.
As I continue to feel something is missing from me, I feel abused in the sense that many people feel this way and we are becoming victimized as many companies take advantage of this. Money holds great power over every one of us, it�s the same as my struggle for knowledge, I get a taste and I want more. So I wonder if wanting them both is weakness. And the true wealth is already here. It�s just connecting to the black space in my mind. And I am traveling. Through awareness points. This physical body can be seen in other physical places. But I know that I am here the whole time.
Talking to others about dreaming is as real to me as talking about this life, we have so much to understand. One theory I have is when we are born as children we are free to dream, and our physical body is just here, and we are unaware of it, and in our dreaming we get trapped by something to find we have to see what we are doing in this place, yet all of this comes through teachings, A lot of teachings. So does this mean if we got trapped in our dreams no one would be able to have our conciousness to teach us, and the dreams would take over? Would this life be much different. We would have less of a feeling of really being here. Our awarness would be much as the drooling giggling crying baby. I feel when I have certain dreams I could much appear the same to onlookers, sometimes in dreams I awake and then loose sight of mydream, which leaves me somewhere strange with people and objects around me but I cannot see them.
I have learned other people to wake in there dreams have the same feelings. They are there but they cant see. And they have less control, maybe they are falling or spinning or they just cant stand up. This seems like what a baby would come to feel when they are here, most of the objects and people are around them, but they can�t see them. When I say can�t see them, they don�t hold the same connection to words, and understanding these objects are real and material. They don�t hold gaze on things and question it, and I�m sure they don�t have much control over things like walking.
So in certain dreams where I feel this sensation does that mean some other being just hasn�t taught me �how� to look at something, or have I actually learned �how� to look at something.
I tell people, you don�t need your eyes to see, and they laugh, Yet I ask them, well when you are dreaming how do you see?
I find this is always a way for me to win an argument. Because really, we know that we can only see because we have eyes, yet this is untrue, as anyone could tell anyone they see people or places, anything they want to in their dreams. And most people would agree they see people or places they have never seen before.
When I was young like most children I had frightening nightmares, my mom helped me over come them, at first when she told me how I thought this was impossible. To some how in my dreams when I see something scary, to think of something nice like ice cream! I would remember this before I fell asleep and belive it started to work, maybe she just played with the idea when I was dreaming I would still be thinking and I would still have control to actually change a situation.
I can still remember the scary dreams, and at certain points telling myself in the dream, this isn�t real im dreaming, and they would flash away into nothing or I would be somewhere else. Before I goto sleep I wonder if those scary beings I see are around me all the time, and I just don�t know how to �see� them in this life. It worries me sometimes that one day I will be able to see them here, I think of how horrifying and scared they make me, that in the dark I feel like I can see there shadows playing across the wall and I can feel there physical hand grab my leg!
This plays with my creativity though, as I learn to love or understand those beings maybe they aren�t that scary, maybe they just seem that way to me, the way a loud noise scared my dog, it�s really nothing to be afraid of.
It�s my own imagination running away with itself! And if I can love myself I�m sure I could love any of those crazy pictures I see which scare me.
I only have to be afraid of myself, and the monsters I create.
I feel this has been told to me, but in a few dreams I have found myself scaring away scaring beings by becoming scary myself. Which is hard to do! I feel this rage only comes out in tiny bits. But when it comes it�s so strong.
I wish I could harness that and use it to make the scary people here leave me alone!
As I reawake to today, I remember all of the things I must be doing. Like finding my career path and making my parents proud.
This now holds less power over me as I question other things, and I feel they don�t understand why I don�t want to be working, or why I don�t want to eat the food they do, or get an expensive car. It goes on! And every day it gets worse! The less I want to be here, the more they try to get me to goto the therapist, and get some meds to make me want to be happy here. Although I do get unhappy I know it ends, and I wouldn�t be happy anyways in any other situation as it is just my hormones going crazy, so why must I struggle all the time to find something to make me happy, when we all agree its just an imbalance, an imbalance within myself. And that I feel is what I am searcing to heal. Not the fact that I�m not an engener or pro athlete, I see the plastic of what that really is, and nothing not even a carrer could fight with my depression.
I find it amazing when what I am doing makes me happy, but I feel like it really comes from somewhere else.
Which is in my opinion the great misery or weakness of every human alive today.
We are all looking for something material to make us happy.
To make us balanced, yet we don�t realize how �spiritual� this simple want and answer is.
Of course we must keep ourselves busy, like my brother would say stimiualtion is the answer. We this in caged animals, in any animal, they are always very busy. And if not, they chose some form of stimulization, like bighting out all their feathers or nodding there heads back and forth. Even if it is as simple as looking for food all day, they are continusoly stimulating themselves. I feel in the future a �futureistic� society, robots will replace humans, so we are left simply to just stinulate ourselves. I think �we would make great pets� pf, has great meaning over the sillyness of our struggle to �be� something.
Ive never seen, an animal in a line up for a medication.
They all seem to be doing the same thing. I love thinking about ants..
They are so small, first of all I always wonder what they think of humans, and if they can even see us! We just must seem like crazy feet stumbling around all day. And to us, they seem like tiny things we can step on.
Therefore idon�t believe either species understands eachother, in significance. Maybe we are equal. I feel most humans would defiantly not agree with me.
Just because we can see the other life forms, doesn�t mean we are greater then them, were just not doing the same thing.
So in our stuggle to build houses, and higher educate ourselves, we build our egos, and see other beings as a lesser being. We are smarter then them, obviously, none of them have invented a car!
Yet none of them, would understand a car! So how could we understand the things they create.
Maybe they are great inventors, of what I�m not 100% sure, yet what am I sure of we are creating or inventing.
Most I belive is simply a struggle for placement within the connection. To belong or fit in, or to feel we are a part of something important.
This to me, has already happened. We are all the chosen ones. And we all are naturally connected.
My desire to be chosen, or to be �the one� the special one, Is silly to me, because I already AM. I already am the one, because I am here. Which is quite impossible to think of all the things that had to happen for me to experience this exact moment right now.
I feel everything has a great purpose, it is all one moment, and no one is chosen for a specific moment. Like superman. We are all superman.
This is a very strange thing to say, but if you unraveled time, and looked back at the great story we are making, we would see how important every single person (thing) was in creating the outcome.
Everyone everything helped change something, we had a �butterfly effect� in creating the whole story, of this one story.
Of this right now story. I like to think of death in a way, of making it sealed, we know we all die here, and to see everything that had to take place for us to die, makes sense, its like there is a grand archetict, when strange things start to happen as if for a reason, it�s spooky. But I feel that reason is nothing more then death,
It all has fit perfectly like puzzle.
This only makes sense when I look back.
If my death happens in 1 year, as I fall off a building and get hit by a car, sure this seems complety random, but its consequence has been here since the beginning,
Because every single thing I do right now, effects the next moment, in every way, times infite! If I played my death backwords, it would be a chain that would equal to today, as in, nothing unusal could have happened. It all comes together, if I could simplify my death in one year, ok, im sitting at my computer this moment every other energy in the world is doing something, and one of those energies ix,. The car hitting me, has be there on the day of my death, witout destroying a sacred pattern.
So I get off my computer, and I have a drink, a break the glass and through it in the garbage, when the garbage man picks up the bag he cuts his hand, so my life has already changed something in his, or in the all. This second he has to now goto the truck and find a bandade, he�s now a couple minutes behind his schedule, so he hurries up and mistankingly bumps over the garbage can at the next house, his partner in the truck gets out to help him gather the trash, this start a conversation, about getting his wife a new car, the man with the cut remeberd he wanted to start looking for a new car, so they decide to go tonight together. Now you have to wonder, if they didn�t have the chance to make the conversation right then, would they have decided to go, on that exact moment, it was changed do to something I did. Ok so they goto look for cars and by chance they both find one, buy there cars and go on, and on for 1 year. Now one year later one of the men decides to sell his car, to a young lady, and she wants to take it for a test drive, and she does, and it just so happens to be the same day I fall off a building in the exact same place she drives by, and gets a phone car and misses to see me.
So this is a grand connection, yet very still connected, you could see the story unfoaliding in any situation, I just picked a small one. Those people were very connected to my death, it could have been a seriers of other events, that took place in my death, yet every moment is connected. Maybe the glass I broke, if my mom never bought it, would have never started the chain, and it goes on!
And it goes on through people further apart in the connection through everything, not death, yet death makes it real.
I belive however this isn�t predisgned, its just magic. Nothing happens for a reason, but everthing that happens to matter what is connected.
So when you hear slogans like 1 person makes a difference they do whethere they are �doing� anything ornot.
That is why it�s very important tomake everything you do count.
Because where do you want to be in the second of your death, I belive it�s very important, to make all those outcomes be in your favour. I could be a karma freak, but I see karma effect me all the time, I do belive I;m scared of death and don�t want to be running around in an infinite hell!
I don�t belive hell exsits, but I belive everything I do exsists forever, and creates a ball of energy I will always be a part of.
I don�t think it accounts to anything giant, I just know it accounts to the next moment.

Sometimes I think how strange it would be to look back at every moment, I also have a strange feeling someone else would be looking at it with me, and almost judging it.
So with this in mind, sometimes I want to make it interesting, but not embarsing
I wonder what things I would be ashamed of, or if I would be perfectly content with everything.
Somone told me you should look at life like the only thing stopping you was death on your left shoulder, if what you were doing wasn�t going to kill you then, then go ahead do anything.
Nothing I learn or believe in is forever, I might contradict myself but I feel that�s the only way I will grow and learn other things, and I hope to see everything I think of now as a stepping stone, and laughing at it later.
I wonder what is actually in me, or if its not actually in me at all and I am in it.
I have a feeling sometimes like the things I think are beautiful or the things I do are only a plinter from what the source is, if the source is a warm womb tunnel then I feel her energy of creation is beautiful and any beauty I seek is only to seek all of her beauty.
Its all just a hologram of something.
And what I think is beautfil everyone created from the same source would agree and it would be known that that just is beauty
So is everything in me which I wish to get out, ugly, so I can be with her beauty? Or is everything in me her trapped beauty.
If we are just trapped light and light is our perfection, then maybe there is something we are supposed to be doing. I wonder what would happen if the human race just stopped, if all of a sudden we became sterilized, what would happen to our awarenss of human. Would be just be reborn as a monkey or flower, some people answer this question with water, we would just keep flowing through everything.
But everything as in light, or everything as in earthly?
Is she a creation of earth, or is earth just one of her creations.
I don�t believe in atom splitting or comets hitting earth, or if a comet was to hit earth we could blow it up. I believe that the end of the world could happen when the sun burns out, I believe in myths where there would be certain forces deciding over what to do next, and they would bring us into the next world. But does this mean we are always going to be a part of the universe as we know it, or is that word just a metaphor.
If I see the universe it reminds me of the tunnel, where there endless worlds that exsist in every ball of light. Like maybe one day my ball of light will be a universe.
Which makes sense, to right now. That�s what Its being entertained with.
But can that be destroyed in physical ways, as in the last birth of a human?
I wish I understood more of creation of light. Will all the stars in the sky eventually fall and turn into black holes? Or will they turn inside out in some other universe and never really die.
Is it all just some kind of circle? And that�s just the story of me?
Did I create the start of the universe because I thought of myself.
I just saw a spot of light as I wrote that. What does that mean?
Does everything have a meaning.
Maybe there is no one to tell me the answers but there is me to tell everything in my world the answers. Should I be the one to hold the burdens, and let everything else go on. This life seems to have gone on forever.