2005-04-29 / / / / sparks of birth, after terrible painfull death

ahhhhh spring. or summer? which is it now! my gosh i cant tell out here
anyways, me and sam are over for sure. I feel sorry I was so mean to him in the end, but I couldnt take his maniacness... I think the world really is agaisnt him. Oh god.. the immence rambling that will come of our relationship I hope will come out in this diary over the next few months.. Its amazing to tell people we broke up and I get the same response from everyone. He seemed like a street rat, I didnt trust him, he had anger in his eyes, he was to out there.. I didnt think I liked him with you, he had bad karma.. etc etc, My mom said she figuerd he was trying to get me pregnet so he could live on welfare.. and fuck it turned into a reality, way after she even mentioned that. The thing is I never trusted the guy, I adored him in a way, he was cute and different and we had a connection, but a 29 year old who has no money and lives off his girlfriends, is not good news in my books anymore.. I have gone so in debt trying to take that relationship somewhere. And now I have to have his aborted child once more. The anger we grew was so immense that I dont think it would be good of me to ever get involved with someone ever again becuase Im positive Im deeply scarred. Oh well I only hope he finds what hes looking for and doesnt take my spitefull ways to far in his pitty of himself.
I just hope he doesnt try to murder me one day.! fuck.. the insanity! I think ive inherted some of his insanity, the way i think of the moon, and my personality and what the fuck people are doing here. Ive become the most depresed Ive possibly been ever! Im considering just living with the shit hole of only being a crop in which to yield money for the rich. I will take the anti depressents, its that or suicide! fuck this.. the only thing in life to do is work. Money is completly evil. its crazy. At least Im some what of an artist and since the break up my sketch book has filled with the craziest imagery and poetry, its far beyond my imagination. A perfect map.. when i go back to it, it takes me somewhere, somewhere someone more awake then "me" has created.. this journy is alive and its taking me into its dark madness

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