2004-12-06 / / / / pyschiatrist day

Today I went to a pyschiatrist! it was so nice, Ive never had anyone listen to me the way she did.
It was so comforting, I even cried a bit.
She said what I had to go through with the abortion would be a tough decision, and one of the hardest things a girl would go through, I rated my life 4 out of 10 and my relationship with sam 6 out of 10, but I change my vote now and only give him a 1, and that is because he listnens to me emotionally about as much as my dad does.
the therapist made me talk alot about my famliy, and how it must be terrible for me to be here,She made it sound like my mom is awful, how she drinks every day, and only talks about herself. And she asked why are my parents still together, and we agreed it was becaause of my brother. i described my mom as being this very annoying person always in my face about her problems, her life and she never once has listned to me and my problems, the therapist made me explain emotionally how I feel, and I dont know. I expressed, sadness, aloneness, and exclusion from the world. She said as people get more depressed they start to close out the world,. I definatly try to be alone all the time. She said I had been with an unusally high amount of male partners sexually. And she said she wouldnt judge me. Which felt so nice, we even talked about my date rape experience, and it made me think about mickey, how he used to be so annoying about sex and wanted to have it all the time, if I didnt or not. since someone like him was breaking down that wall, i guess i became easier. Thats my opinion. anyways, she wants to help me more, I like it so much, shes the only person who has ever just listened to me, She knew exactly whatquestions to ask and wouldnt change the subject when I started to get teary eyed, it was like she zoned in on those places and forced them out of me, it was weird but so good, I never feel like anyone can get things out of my like that. I guess I try to swallow my emotions and pretend everything is fine.
I definaly dont want to think bad about myself anymore about the abortion, the worst thing is sam has been a million percent unsupportive FUCK him. He hasnt once been supportive about it, and asked if I am ok, he hasnt let me cry, he just says lets not worry about that now there is nothing we can do. You got the abortion, I dont know what its like.
Hes a dick. I also remeber when he first came home all he wanted to do was have sex, and i was just like, Um are you kidding? I dont think I can work down there! not for a while, and he just kept trying until we were having sex.. now I feel like when I want it, hes not interested. FUCK you sam you ass hole.
I hate him so much, I dont even like him at all anymore, Im just holding onto him so I dont have to feel like a slut and find a new boyfriend, becaause I know I'll find one again in like a week. I want him to be long term, But im so sick of his fucked up world. Hes going to come with my next time I goto therapy, and i hope she makes him see how torn I am inside, and how he doesnt even notice. Hes so evil. he just wants everything to be going his way right now, and he will do anything for that to happen. Last week when we got in a fight and he went back to london, i was so depresed, and I was like, do you think you are good for me right now? cant you see yoruu not helping. I cant think about pleasingyou and dealing with my emotions at the same time. Hes so fucking needy, all he wants is hugs beer and sex all the fucking time. i hope he dies.
My therapist I hope is just someone to talk to, she got all this stuff out of me and held onto it. I really feel like my parents are so unhealthy, my brother and I talk about it all the time, so living in this house is so wrong for all of us. I cant wait until dan moves out my parents split up and find new places, and have fun.. They are so depressed and boring. and they hate eachother I just dont get it.
I mean i like them and appretiate them, but not when its causing emotional stress to the whole famliy, everyones life is so hard, and no ones listens to eachother.
I get angry and they get so angry, and just walk away, i get sad and i have to hide it. I get happy and they bring me down. Ive been here way to long, I need to get my life straightned out.. so badly.

before \ \ \ \ after