hmm so i just found out how much it would cost to goto tofino for two days.. haha it would be 214 for toronto to Vancouver, round trip, then 109 from vancouver to tofino round trip, then i would get back on the bus in tofino to goto Banff to work. If i look for a job in Barrie tomorrow, which i think im going to do all day, i could save taht much money!! I want to goto TOfino and apply resumes everywhere, then surf for two days, but id have to buy a tent, and camp alone, that would be scary! i could actually stay at the hostel, but i would be scared to be alone i think, becuase Id have to rent a surf board and everything alone and i would be scared! but it would be fun and maybe i will meet people. Now i haveto find a job tomorrow so i can save so i can go. Oh oh.

I hate working, I like just the video store and my art job, its perfect so stress free! except living at home sucks, becuase my parents are spycho. but they do buy me food. hmm yeah. I need out of barrie soon. Im trying not drink, but barrie is only fun when im drunk!! haha

Im almost done my drawings, they are good to. i hope sam likes them. HE better! ahh.

so yeah, me and shawn hung out for a bit yesterday, we played in my room,and listened to music. it was good times. he might be comming over soon, and so might brianne. I feel like it would be really ackward if me shawn and brianne hung out. shawn is kind of ackward or something! but hes cute.

Aaron came over a bit today, he got a job and hes thinking of moving to toronto! im so proud of him. Im kinda scared of his highschool friends though, they remind me of my brother! theyre the same age...! ah. anyways, Lindsay is here! yay! except she doesnt want to goto the bar with me and brianne tonight. OH well, she probably wouldnt have to to much fun at fitzys anyways, with all those drunk guys everywhere. I hope i pick up a hottie tonight and we have sex, and then i never see him again!! i havent had enough sex this year. Lindsay you need sex to !!! AHAHHA

Im kinda kidding, I wish i was a buddhist, Ive been a vegan all week, and i havent been showering.. thats kinda budhism, no sex, but i have been listening to music. I think tahts aloud? i dont know. I need to read more. hmm yeah, Lindsay you should goto fitzys, we could have got drunk together. Im sad. I dont really want to go out. Its the same all the time. and i dont really ever have anything exciting to talk about. poo pee pants,

i hope dread chris is there. I want to talk to him. maybe aaron will end up going out later to. I like it when aarons at fitzys, i feel like were always in the same mood. i hate moodsd, they effect people to much.

Meh. I havent been comfortable with my self lately, I dont think im supose to be in barrie, or drinking, or hanging around the people im hanging around, becuase whenever i pull myself out of all that, i have to rediscover myself.. the world is better when i just stay home paint and listen to music. I hope i have no friends in banff, and i paint all the time. No actually i hope i get friends or else i will be lonly, and thats no fun!

Im scared about my job there, i hope i like it. its my only escape from this place. but what if i suck, or i dont get along with my boss. oh my this is scary. I shouldnt have left before, i shouldnt have been so upset when mac left me there.. I should have just sucked it up. I would have been working and living there by now.. oh well i had unfinished business here obviosly. alot has happened in this month. even working for sam, Im not sure what our next step is, i dont really want to carve the flowers, which he was kinda getting at.. that would be to much work for me! i want to mail my drawinsg tomorrow, so he gets back to me sooner.. i need to know what he thinks of my art so i can find out for sure what im doing.

I want to be in love.. i want the mickey relationship i had back. I always do.. But i love being single.. I just miss having someone like me around, where i have things to remeber, and they remeber things about me.. my memory sucks. I want someone like aaron, I wish he was my b/f. sometimes i dont though becuase we both strive when we are single. i can feel him ignoring himslef when hes with someone, but he had such a progressive couple of days, and me ive just been drawing! which i guess is good, it could be getting me a better job.

I just want a guy ive known forever and trust to always be around, when im bored, but then i can leave him and go out with friends when i want ot have fun.. and i want him to be cool, and perfect. i date to many guys with stuff wrong with them. i see shawn being a kinda guy i knew was weird at the beginning and shouldnt have got involved. I dont know.

no perfect guys exsits. just like perfect me, i never exsist. Im to procastinative and scared to do things alone. I need to paint, and take pictures. and eat healthy and work out. that makes me happy..

i dont exactly know if im happy right now, I wonder what people would say if i asked them if they though i was happy? im sure my parents would say im bitchy, or lazy or something, but they would think im happy, becuae they know nothing about me. i hope my parrot is happy, hes my baby!

grr.. i wish my mood stayed the same, always happy! thatd be cool.

i have a grey cloud around my life though, there is absolutly no one in it.. i dont look forward to seeing anyone. aaron cat and brianne are my friends, i always get weird energy from cat that i cant handle, brianne is to independnt, or boy crazy, and aaron is in his own world to. aaron and i get close then we disapeer then we get close then we disapeer.. like i go days without even knowing what hes up to, or who he hangs out with. he always meets new people to hang out with.. and cat, i dont trust her with aaron, i dont know why.. and yeah brianne and i just dont have alot in common... No one has anything in common with me.. I dont even know what I am .. I dont think I would even know if i found someone who was incommon with me.. I think thats what everyone wants, a soulmate.. where they are you, but they are another person, maybe even better. That seems weird, but i do like myself, sometimes i dont. My memroy drives me crazy. i feel like im constantly realzing its wednesday, of april, what am i doing? oh yeah, nothing.. I really need friends. or maybe just one good friend i trust and love. where are you good friend. I feel so alone. everyday, alone alone alone. Malcolm and i were always together, but i still felt alone, and a little more annoyed. See i dont mind being alone if there is no one good to hang out with.. but sometimes people can change the way you feel about everything.. thats what i need.