owe i need to stretch my legs... ive been sitting for so long braiding my hair, Im doing the braids really tiny and all dark red. they look neat. but ow.... SO yeah, Malcolm and I are not moving out anymore, It was getting to stressful, and he didn�t really sound as excited as i was. so yeah, he didn�t save any money to move, and i quit my telemarketing job. but I write my test tomorrow for Hair school, im excited, I could be moving in 2 months to Nanaimo! I also finish training at the restaurant. Hopefully when Im done writing this test, and i send it away, I get accepted. wholly crap there was about a million stages to applying for school in BC. first there was the original application which i filled out online 35$, then the school mailed me and told me to send my official transcripts 5$ then they mailed me back saying i had to find a form on the internet, find someone to fill it in, then fax it back to them so they can send out my assessment test which i do tomorrow $20. im sure there will be more, oh i cant wait. so in total 60$ just to apply.

So tomorrow im going into work with my dad so his friend can monitor me doing the assessment test, then were going to my grandmas, then i goto training, then im going to finish more of my hair. what a busy day.

I was happy the last couple of days, it feels so so so so so strange to be happy for no reason, i like it!

i love it. I take happiness for granted, it sucks so much when it goes away, and im not smart enough to learn how to keep it. its a big issue in my life. its just a feeling. but its more then a feeling.

I got a book on how to make neet knots. its interesting.

My weekend with Malcolm was ok, his family is fun. we had 2 parties, which both i didn�t drink at, i love not drinking, I think that my test of Serotonin being stolen from alcohol consumption is true, because im so much happier. I read in a vitamin book that if you drink you feel happy because you are saying good bye to some serotonin, or something crazy like that. but i think its true. I also haven�t really eaten meat yet, well i did have 2 chicken wings with Aaron at the restaurant a week and a half ago, but they don�t count. as soon as im done my no meat binge im going to eat a basket of chicken wings. sorry little fellers. but you are yummy.

But after that i think i will be a veggie, or a veggie who eats chicken wings, they are the only meat i like. everything else can easily be replaced with Soya beans no prob. especially ham boogers, I love veggie burgers and would take one compared to a burger any day. hell yeah!

and for my old friend Alcohol, I cant believe how many opportunities in just 1 month I have had to get drunk or even simply a drink, I mean like 4 times a week, wholly, that�s un healthy. friday and saturday, Thursday, Wednesday, there�s so many days last week i could have drank, or i sat through other people drinking.

I know i wont be able to go without drinking every month, because its such a social thing to do, and i really want to down some tequila, but if I could, i would defiantly become a non alcoholic. the world is a better place. it really is. I want to develop a serious fear of alcohol, just so i dont turn into the people i hate. but i dont think i really over indulge in the stuff so its not really a big deal, but it would definatly be an acomplishment if i just never drank. my brain would thank me.

Well then for the sex, i actually haven�t even been in a situation this month where i have even come close to having sex, which seems weird, because things are still going ok between Malcolm and I, but i think psychologically it makes a relationship have more of a point. now this isn�t coming from my mouth really, but if your dating someone and there�s no physical contact, you could easily just be friends. so no sex kind of makes a relationship weird, for some guys, they would get distant, and they wouldn�t want as much of your attention because your not doin it. haha anyway, this brings me back to something disgusting, i found an open condom package on my floor and freaked out at my brother (obviously its his) uggg, and he claimed he didn�t do it on my bed but on my floor, ahhhhh im so mad, that�s gross, now im paranoid and want my door to lock, the disgusting freak proved it by showing my the carpet burns on his knees. ewww.

anger anger.

grr.

anyhow, i don�t know if it happened intentionally that mac and i haven�t had sex, we ran out of condoms a while ago and didn�t have enough money to get more! so we just haven�t well ya. but at the beginning of the month i told him all my resolutions, so maybe he just kept that one in his mind. he tried giving up weed, but that just backfired, now he smokes more, and gets the munchies worse because his tolerance lessened.

Malcolm is a strange fellow sometimes, hes hard to explain. hes like a little baby who always wants a hug, or attention, or he always wants me to say good things about him, and i can never be blunt about anything.

I�ve learned im blunt? i guess, i just think im mean but whatever. it really hurts Malcolm, and i cant stand it. he�s to perfect, its hard to know what�s really going on in his mind. i wish we could have big talks, but i always bring something weird up and he cries. is this my fault or his? i don�t know what im trying to explain, but sometimes i wish he wasn�t so bottled up and sensitive. I like to talk to him in the mornings he�s sweet then. I like to be really close to him like I feel everything that�s going on in his life, and I don�t think he understands that. I think he thinks im trying to pry at him to make him explode or something. i just wish we would always be happy together and i would never ignore him when he comes over. i wish every time we kissed it would last forever, and not just a couple seconds and i need to pull away becasue something doesnt feel right.. i wish that i woke up beside him everyday and he could tell me everything he dreamed about, and then i would find out that we had the same dreams, or i could tell him how cute he was in my dream, or the neat adventures we went on.

I wish sometimes it could just be the 2 of us again, without the distractions of each others families and friends around. I wish we could plan our future and we would both be excited about the same things, like leaving Ontario. i wish we had our own bath so we could relax in each others arms until the water turns cold every day. id like to walk up a mountain with him again, and hear all of his stories for the 5th time. it would be nice if he smelled like something so i could find that smell bottle it and keep it on my pillow, but he smells like nothing, except when he used my body wash, then he smells like me! ha-ha. i wish we were together right now.. i don�t want to be apart from him the distance between Hamilton and Barrie isn�t to far for us, but its to close to not need to spend months at a time together... does that make sense? i like Malcolm he makes me sad.