ow i need to stretch my legs... ive been sitting for so long braiding my hair, Im doing the braids really tiny and all dark red. they look neet. but ow.... SO yeah, Maclolm and I are not moving out anymore, It was getting to stressful, and he didnt really sound as excited as i was. so yeah, he didnt save any money to move, and i quit my telemarketing job. but I write my test tomorrow for Hair school, im excited,i could be moving in 2 months to Nanaimo! I also finish training at the resturant. Hopefully when Im done writing this test, and i send it away, I get accepted. wholy crap there was about a million stages to applying for school in BC. first there was the original application which i filled out online 35$, then the school mailed me and told me to send my official transcripts 5$ then they mailed me back saying i had to find a form on the internet, find someone to fill it in, then fax it back to them so they can send out my assesment test which i do tomorrow $20. im sure there will be more, oh i cant wait. so in total 60$ just to apply.

So tomorrow im going into work with my dad so his friend can monitor me doing the assesment test, then were going to my grandmas, then i goto training, then im going to finish more of my hair. what a busy day.

I was happy the last couple of days, it feels so so so so so strange to be happy for no reason, i like it!

i love it. I take happieness for granted, it sucks so much when it goes away, and im not smart enough to learn how to keep it. its a big issue in my life. its just a feeling. but its more then a feeling.

I got a book on how to make neet knots. its interesting.

My weekend with malcolm was ok, his famliy is fun. we had 2 partys, which both i didnt drink at, i love not drinking, I think that my test of Ceratonin being stolen from alcohol consumption is true, becuase im so much happier. I read in a vitamin book that if you drink you feel happy because you are saying good bye to some ceratonin, or something crazy like that. but i think its true. I also havent really eaten meat yet, well i did have 2 chicken wings with aaron at the resturant a week and a half ago, but they dont count. as soon as im done my no meat binge im going to eat a basket of chicken wings. sorry little fellers. but you are yummy.

But after that i think i will be a veggie, or a veggie who eats chicken wings, they are the only meat i like. everything else can easily be replaced with soya beans no prob. especially ham boogers, I love veggie burgers and would take one compared to a burger any day. hell yeah!

and for my old friend Alcohol, I cant belive how many oppurtunities in just 1 month I have had to get drunk or even simply a drink, I mean like 4 times a week, wholy, thats un healthy. friday and saturday, thursday, wednesday, theres so many days last week i could have drank, or i sat through other people drinking.

I know i wont be able to go without drinking every month, because its such a social thing to do, and i really want to down some tecquhilla, but if I could, i would definatly become a non alcolholic. the world is a better place. it really is. I want to develop a serious fear of alcohol, just so i dont turn into the people i hate. but i dont think i really over indulge in the stuff so its not really a big deal, but it would definatly be an acomplishment if i just never drank. my brain would thank me.

Well then for the sex, i actually havent even been in a situation this month where i have even come close to having sex, which seems weird, becasue things are still going ok between malcolm and I, but i think psychologically it makes a realtionship have more of a point. now this isnt comming from my mouth really, but if your dating someone and theres no physical contact, you could easily just be friends. so no sex kinda makes a relationship weird, for some guys, they would get distant, and they wouldnt want as much of your attention becasue your not doin it. haha anways, this brings me back to something discusting, i found an open condom package on my floor and freaked out at my brother (obviosly its his) uggg, and he claimed he didnt do it on my bed but on my floor, ahhhhh im so mad, thats gross, now im paranoid and want my door to lock, the discusting freak proved it by showing my the carpet burns on his knees. ewww.

anger anger.

grr.

anyhoo, i dont know if it happened intentianaly that mac and i havent had sex, we ran out of condoms a while ago and didnt have enough money to get more! so we just havent well ya. but at the beginning of the month i told him all my resulutions, so maybe he just kept that one in his mind. he tried giving up weed, but that just backfierd, now he smokes more, and gets the munchies worse becauase his tollerance lessened.

Malcolm is a strange fellow sometimes, hes hard to explain. hes like a little baby who always wants a hug, or attention, or he always wants me to say good things about him, and i can never be blunt about anything.

Ive learned im blunt ? i guess, i just think im mean but whatever. it really hurts malcolm, and i cant stand it. hes to perfect, its hard to know whats really going on in his mind. i wish we could have big talks, but i always bring something weird up and he crys. is this my fault or his? i dont know what im trying to explain, but sometimes i wish he wasnt so bottled up and sensitive. i like to talk to him in the mornings hes sweet then. i like to be really close to him like i feel everything thats going on in his life, and i dont think he understands that. i think he thinks im trying to pry at him to make him explode or something. i just wish we would always be happy together and i would never ignore him when he comes over. i wish everytime we kissed it would last forever, and not just a couple seconds and i need to pull away becasue something doesnt feel right.. i wish that i woke up beside him everyday and he could tell me everything he dreamed about, and then i would find out that we had the same dreams, or i could tell him how cute he was in my dream, or the neet adventures we went on.

I wish sometimes it could just be the 2 of us again, without the distractions of eachothers familys and friends around. I wish we could plan our future and we would both be excited about the same things, like leaving ontario. i wish we had our own bath so we could relax in eachothers arms until the water turns cold every day. id like to walk up a mountian with him again, and hear all of his storys for the 5th time. it would be nice if he smelled like something so i could find that smell bottle it and keep it on my pillow, but he smells like nothing, except when he used my body wash, then he smells like me! haha. i wish we were together right now.. i dont want to be apart from him the distance betwween hamilton and barrie isnt to far for us, but its to close to not need to spend months at a time together... does that make sense? i like malcolm he makes me sad.