2003-05-24 / / / / -

it was saturday

i went for a jog, and traveled through the malls with my mom to look for stuff. I didnt buy anything of coarse. i also made a huge dinner with sweet potatoes that were deep fried, and pees and rice, and a salad. it was so good. I also tightened my dreads and they are soooo long i love them so much. i want to die them a bit blonder but im scared they will turn yello, so im going to wait until i can sun in them. on the other side my life has become so solitude. i have hung out with absolulty no one, i havent even attempted calling people. I looked on the call display and out of 30 #s none of them are for me. I feel like im a hermit which is exactly what i wanted. but i feel i should be hanging out with friends at the same time becuase i know i iwll miss them. but if i dont see them i will forget them and not miss them! sounds strange.. but yeah. i feel like a big loser lately. at work im so shy and quiet and im not good firends with anyone and i hate working so much i just want to leave, or shoot everyone in the head. I really hate this anxiety. i think i need help or i seriously will probably shoot people in the haed. my mom says its becuase im an artist and i should be working with myself producing art, to be admired by the public.. but i have more parts then to work with the public. lately me and my mom have been getting along alot. I hope my dad doesnt really leave her.. she would be so lonly. anyways. when i look back to all the jobs ive had i hate them all and cant open up or something. i took a personality disorder test the other day on the net, and i scored Very high, on almost every single disorder! i thougt it was funny. but then i read the descriptions and alot of the issues i have start with very low self esteem. and i could relate to it all. like how i dont usally make long lasting relationships, i constantly look to meet new people. or jump from b/f to b/f and how i feel so ackward in large groups. im scared that when i get to banff i will become even more shy. but i want to do alot of art and learn about the earth. and i think i will be forced to open up and meet new people.. yeah. i actually havent made any new friends at all lately. i dont know. we all have our weak spots. i feel new, my mind lately hs been very empty. and im scared that i really have no personality, but im just going to be optomistic and belive that my personality is above what i am trying to fit myself into. I definatly should not be working full time at a sports bar! ahh... its almost degrating.. we waste stuff, and dirty old men stare at the skinny blondes that i work with, and everyone is so fake and they are going no where.. they dream of staying in barrie and doing the bar scene forever. and just making enough to get by. i dont know. i would love to be an artist somewhere. i know i have talents that are being wasted as i sit here. i finished a painting today, the first i have finished in a long time, and that is way better then asking people if they want milk shakes.. and i think how many other people do i know that love art so much? and why dont i pursue my dreams. then i want to run away, and face my self esteem issues first. and gain some inspiration. and at the same time, i need to be less selfish. i hate being self concerened, but i belive you need to go through periods like that to grow. or else you die. tomorrow. nothing is forever. anyways that was a good little bit of ranting. everyone should be sad.. humans are fucking up. we just dont understand how bad the simple stupid things we do are, and i dont think we care. were going to lose all power if the positive minded dont stand up soon, only horrible things will happen and we'll all end up slaves to some power hungry maniac who learened how to use his dream. while we wait in a line, wondering what were supose to do... i wish i was doing something.

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