2003-03-31 / / / / see this?

its colder then it oughta be

it doesnt make it easier........

so, the update of my life... dot dot dot. had school, ate food listened to music. i had a job interview today at a pub, it went ok i think. tomorrow im going to hand out more resumes. yesterday we saw taking back sunday it was alright but the lead singer was crazy and didnt know how to sing,. kind of anoying he ruined some songs.. but other then that they were nice to hear and from autumn to ashes was "killer" haha they were good i love a couple of there songs and they were cool to sing along with. had a weird weekend. i went to the bar saturday and hung out with cat and maradeth and sara, i drank alot, i even drank on friday. i hung otu with russ for a bit, and we might hang out tomorrow or something. im so tierd i lost my voice became sick,. i wonder what its like out there. I had visions of myself dressing completly black and destroying the female image of prettyness, making lots of art work on how were so obsessed with looking nice. going to the show yesterday made me so so so so so angry at people, the rude tall people who stood infront of me or even the dumb girls who all looked like they were trying to look like hot shit and they all elbowed me as they walked by. it was really pissing me off. it made me mad that i wear rainbow bracelets and do my hair all nice, i felt like i was in there competition. like my self confidence is looking for assurance in the im so beautiful world. it made me so angry that this world is based upon looks. it made me mad that i take 20 min to decide what colour of socks and hair elastics im going to wear or what skirt goes best with my "look" why do i want people to look at me? theyre only going to catagorize me rate me then decide they are better then me anyways. being ugly. were all really ugly yet beautiful then you go and add something like that super cool star studded shirt you bought at volocity which makes you so original, maybe you can pick up some hot guy whos going to have sex with u. wipidy do. fuck fuck fuck. i apretiate those who do not care, it is my goal. to be apretiated and talked to even if you are as ugly as a horses ass. russ was all hitting on me and i asked why he like me.. and it directed strait to my body type, my dreads, my attitude and my "hippie style" im just one of those girls who is his type,. cool huh? so my image has made this weird impression that makes him think im worthy of making out with him.. mean while i think of the reasons why im going out with andy. its convienient i think hes special, we have fun ocasiosonaly when im not cranky or tierd.. which i usually am. personally i think i make a crappy girlfriend im always tierd and bored and my mind is always traveling somewhere else, and if i get into a conversation its usually one sided becasue im all excited about what i have to talk about. im so concerened about looking nice when i go out with andy, i know he doesnt really care, and im concerened that i dont look into his eyes and kiss him enough. then it makes me confused. what is this relationship? ive known you for 2 months and we must spend every waking minute to gether so you can decide im a stupid person who belives in retarted religion and is in love with ex boyfriend? i hate it. forever mickey comes in and out of my life claiming we will always be together, but then i see him clung on to some other girl who suposivly means nothing. and then theyre curtis, someone who knows me more then anyone else and actually likes me some how, he is desperate to find some girl to date but he wont admit it, he claims no darling i will love you forever,, or until the next girl who digs me comes by. what ever. im confused. i was hoping to write a poem yet nothing came across. i think im grumpy

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