oh my

where am i

well im at home

its 11:18 this morning i got up at 10 it felt like i had been sleeping for an eternity and i thought for sure it was in the aftenoon and i had missed my classes. i went to bed last night around 11pm or something i didnt go out, im not really sure what I did. I emailed JK and read some old e mails he sent me... and then i got into cyber space i guess what the hell did i do last night! oh i applied to the bme site, i sent them a picture of my tatoo and stuff, i dont really have any good pictures of my piercings. hmm i dont know if i will get a membership they have to "accept" you and stuff, but i really want a thing becuase i find myself always breaking onto curtisis to see whats in his diary and all that other stuff.. hmm sweet tarts.

so back to my weird life.. i feel like im always standing at the edge of a giant cliff, just ready to jump off, but theres so many strings holding me here pulling my mind away from any decision i want to make.

my room is my comfort i have good smelling things and lots of art stuff around me, i meditate on my floor and practice opening and cleansing all my chakras. my private space is so helpful to myself. my life

hmm it involves occaisonal everything.. ocaisional happieness occaisonal friendships occaisional lovers. occaisional family... i know i wouldnt be happy anywhere else right now because this is the life i have designed for myself, i dont get in over my head in much of anything. i feel happy when i get stuff done for school on time, this morning i drew a ring for rendering class and coloured it in, its due today. i feel better now beucase im free of anything due until weeks from now. but yeah what is there now? ive been thinking about how fun it would be to be involved with curtis seriosuly. we hung out the oter night and i felt completly open with him, it was weird. things kinda made sence in my head while i talked to him. but then he got into the topic of how lots of girls think hes hot and he can get anyone and i hate that feeling. what am i trying to say? i like casual relationships but i get weary when the other person decides they do to especially if i really like the person. i thought about us actually living together, i know before we thought about it and i got scared becase we were actually serious. but i actually think it would be neet. even if all we did was watch TV..

actually i would probably not like that and i would make us do things like disect bugs and stuff. but anyways.. i guess im still on a personal journey i always think that there will be one person out there that is perfect for you and the tingly feeling never goes away. I believe in love and i know i have been completly in love when i was with mickey. its like we still talk about getting back together but i know he will end up marying the girl is with or whatever so i kinda feel cheated, i read back to all the poems he sent me and i know he sends that kinda stuff to his gf now or whatever but i still think about that feeling,

LIKE WATER underneath

the rain is falling now and so I grow quiet and sad. I know what this is and i know what it means. the water from the skies lands on my face and blends with the tears in my eyes. I hide from everyone.... Silent and dreaming of her once again, I can not control the weather, I wish I could stop the rain. such emptyness plastic...pored into a mold.... manufactured none the less. who knows why, but I wasnt what that angel needed. I tried and some days it seemed like I barley had to, the way she knew who I was. I can not help but cry now. You will always cry when a piece of your soul gets taken away, A soul mate who can not adore. I loved her. I saw things with her, nothing was fnished in my life intil i shared it with her. I am sick... very ill a pain that will not die.... until i do myself. SO many things I could see, when she would stand beside me, how it just all seems to stop, no inspiring moments to be captured, only a body just a plain shell I wish I could escape.,

awe thats a poem.. from him i have a drawer full.... see i feel pathetic that i still hold onto things like this but i have a hard time letting things go, especially when i believed i had a soul mate, my life was complete... so i thought for a short while. i felt special like someone needed me

it hurts me still to think about him and i really wish it would stop so i could get on with my life...................... and love someone else completly

but its hard.

very hard...... ok