so im sitting here on a saturday nite, trying to figure out why i always feel so tierd and i get big bags under my eyes. i feel drained. yes its pretty fun. im also hiding from my life...

i was supose to kinda go out but i knew i would run into an akward situation if i saw chris and curtis in the same room. so im being lazy and staying in... i always want to change and grow as a person to become better. but its never going to happen if i dont push myself to. the other day i read jackies aura and it was a very good expierience i havent done much aura reading lately and it sounded like i saw things pretty clearly about her, it was intersting. i wish i met someone who can do the same thing, becuase i want to know what its all about, becuase its not like mind reading, im not really psychic, and im not really intuend to waht i think about people, but when i put my hands over or around a persons body, like huvering over it, i get all sorts of crazy things that go through my mind like visions of there entire life and all the bad and good things theyve been through that brings them to the awareness they are at now.. one of my reiki teachers described it as intuition, but i can also do chakra reads, like those things you see computers do., they evaluate the colors of your aura, and try to base it around chakra theory. but im really not sure if its real or kinda just something i picked up or made up in my mind... and if it is real id like to profesionalize it to help people, not just tell people about themselves.

i feel very alone righht now, no one is online, and i realized i dont have any friends. i have a few boy friends but no real friends, when aaron came over today i realized how good having a friend is and maybe thats why i cant find a relationship in a boy i like becuase i dont have a friend side to my life. i guess im not that good of a person or something.. i cant find a job either i think im fat and short and i dont have good confidence.

want to know who my friends are:

cat and lindsay

and lindsay moved away and cat has a serious b/f

i was kinda friends with this girl sarah, but she never calls and when i call her shes busy.

i have a good friend at school Christa, but we never do anything becuase shes always with her boyfriend... or she just wants to go out to the bar... what can you do.

i always wanted a best friend one who would just sleep over and we would paint or something... but yeah. anyways i think im going to find a way to kill myself hahaha